but all the king's horses and all the king's men...

Confession: I fully intended on being in bed by midnight tonight, but I had the misfortune of the song "Christmas Shoes" becoming stuck in my head, and I HAD to get that out of there if I wanted any hope of falling asleep. So now I'm listening to Starship. Thanks, Muppets!

Have you ever had a very special decoration for a holiday (let's go with Christmas since it's soon-ish) that was a family treasure? Okay, now pretend that one year you open up the box and the decoration has broken! Oh no! But only four or five pieces are broken, so maybe with a hot glue gun you can fix it? Plus, you HAVE to put it up because it was Gammy's favorite and now she's dead, so if you don't, her ghost will come and bop you over the head. So you glue the Christmas crap back together, but it never looks the same. You can totally see where the cracks are and perhaps there's some dried glue stuck in places where the gun got away from you. Ladies and gentlemen... I am the Christmas crap decoration.

You better put that POS decoration up, see? It was Gammy's favorite, see?

The latest update on me is that I'm 100% sure that my body is teaming up against me. Over the weekend, I started to have a LOT of hip pain again, which I have periodically, but this was way worse than usual, and I typically don't have pain when I first wake up in the morning, but I have in the last couple of days. So there's that. Plus I now have pain in my knees. I have shitty knees already, thanks to skating, band, falling a lot, and genetics, but now that I'm lifting things (lightweight things like socks) correctly, I'm using my knees to support the weight instead of my back, which is what you're supposed to do, but now my knees hurt. Along with my back, and now my hip. What the actual fuck? It's like, by trying to fix one thing, two other things break? When I met with my physical therapist this morning, she told me (after some stretches for my hip) that she thinks what's happening is that because I've been working on not overarching the small of my back, one of the discs may have moved ever so slightly, and the some of the muscles near the bottom of your back connect to your hip. So all of those exercises I've been doing where I curve my back so that if I'm laying on my back, I sort of make  "C" have been hurting my hip. Now I get to do things while laying on my stomach. YAY. Not. Basically I need to strengthen all fuck kinds of muscles. Everywhere. At this point, I'm starting to think that I might as well give up and hope that reincarnation actually exists and I'll get a better body the next time.

I have so many aches and pains all over now. Logic tells me that if I stick it out and strengthen my muscles, in the long run I will be better off, but for right now, this fucking sucks. I know that this is how workouts work. You start off okay, not great, but you make a little bit of progress, and then you fall down the well and Lassie doesn't notice and then it's up to you to get out of the well. And it takes three years. However, I don't want to be in a fucking well! I want to be able to sit on the couch without a pillow I'm borrowing from my 83  year old grandmother. I want to be able to walk without having to stick my hand into my back, or my hip, or my knees, to give them the support they need. And I want it now.

Basically, I feel the same way I did after my car accident a couple of years ago. If you've ever been in a car accident, you know what I'm talking about. Even if it's not a huge accident that results in a hospital visit, the first couple of days after an accident you feel like shit. Sort of like you were used for an ogre's game of hacky sack.

I didn't think a Google search for "ogre hacky sack" would come up with anything. But it did. 

The good news is that I asked the question I didn't want to hear the answer to: I asked my physical therapist if I should limit myself on any rides at WDW next week. Basically, she said to avoid things that have a quick turn in one direction and then the other because it makes it harder for my back muscles to figure out what the fuck is going on. Otherwise, she said to use my best judgment. So in the Disney parks, I think the only ride I can't do is Rock 'n Rollercoaster, which is a little sad because it's one of my favorites, but last year it gave me a headache, so that might not be such a big deal. I should be able to do Space Mountain because it's not as rough, and even though there are turns, it's a much slower ride and I know the track well enough to anticipate what will most likely happen next. My issue is going to be in Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure. (Isn't it always?) After last year, I already ruled out all of the Harry Potter rides, except for the Hippogriff coaster, which is basically like Big Thunder Mountain. Other than that, I'm really not sure. I got the Unofficial Guide to WDW out of the library, so hopefully I can get more detailed info on Universal rides there. I'm going to assume that almost any rollercoaster is out of the question, since Universal likes it rough. Again, not a big loss. I'm not a fan of Universal Studios in general, mostly because I have no experience with almost all of the movies there, except Harry Potter. So not riding things won't break my heart, although I'm expecting to be bored. At least I'll be able to hang out in Hogsmeade.

~ Christine

seriously, who wants to trade backs with me?

I'm convinced that my body is out to get me.

As you all know, I've been having a lot of back problems in the past few months. The good news is that the muscles that hold the bottom of my spine in place and prevent it from sliding back and forth are getting stronger. As of last week, I can sit comfortably for about an hour and a half on good days and an hour on bad days. The bad news is that now the muscles that prevent the bottom of my spine from rotating are weak. So some days my spine is rotated to the right, some days my spine is rotated to the left. It sounds a lot worse than it actually is. Apparently it's not unusual for people to have rotational issues with various body parts. Even my physical therapist has a rotated pelvis on some days. However, if I don't try to strengthen those muscles, over time it will get worse and more painful. Which, right now, it hurts a LOT. It's worse than my initial pain when I first started physical therapy. So I can't imagine how much it would hurt if I don't work on improving my back strength. I have some exercises to do at home since my physical therapist is out of town until next Tuesday, but she also warned me to not over-exert myself. I'm planning on continuing my walking, but I've given up on adding a quarter mile each week. My new plan is to walk as long as I feel comfortable and mostly pain-free.  And I'm cutting out the stationary bike, since the rotational issues have started to give me trouble once I started biking again. I'm not sure if they're connected, but considering I leave for Disney in a week and a half, I'm not taking any chances. I have Thermacare pads for my lower back for the bus, but now I'm thinking I might need them on other days too. I'm also bringing my heating pad for spending time in the hotel room. It's a relief to know what's going on in my back, but it's frustrating that I came SO close to being done with fixing my back, only to find another problem. Basically, I thought the light at the end of the tunnel was near, but it turns out that there's just another tunnel. At least now I have a plan on how to fix it... but it's going to take some time.

~ Christine

The Back Bone's Connected to the Neck Bone

I have decided that I am officially one of those people who is either too clumsy or too unlucky to ever go without health insurance again. Remember when I had my wonderful, life-changing sinus surgery back in May? Well, in the weeks following my surgery, I spent a lot of recovery time sitting on the couch. And then once I was finally recovered, I spent a lot of time at my internship in Alabama, sitting and cataloging books. Then once I came back home, I spent a lot of time sitting working on school stuff and sitting in class. See a pattern? Turns out that all of that sitting is really bad for you!

I've had some back pains here and there for the past few years, but I've usually chalked it up to stress. After my surgery last year, I really started to notice how bad the pain had become. I kept having to add pillows behind my back for extra support, but I blamed it on our couch that's not really in the best shape (which probably didn't help me). Finally, one day a little over a month ago, I had enough. My lower back pain had gotten SO bad that I couldn't find a single position to sit or lay in that was comfortable. I went to my doctor and she said that what has happened is that over time my lower back muscles have weakened and no longer hold my spine in place like they're supposed to, which is causing the pain as my spine moves to unnatural positions. For a month, I took a heavy dosage of acetaminophen and a muscle relaxer at night. I also had a few exercises to do at home. The medicines helped with the pain, but they didn't fix anything. The exercises kind of helped, but I wasn't sure if they were helping enough or not. So I went back to the doctor last week so she could check my back again. Luckily, the x-rays I had at the hospital after my first appointment didn't show any serious damage. However, my doctor was worried that if my back muscles continued to weaken, that in 5-10 years I would have a very serious problem. So now I'm off of the pain medicine and muscle relaxers and in physical therapy and taking new medicine.

I started physical therapy on Tuesday and so far it's going really well. I like my physical therapist, and she doesn't appear to be much older than me, so we have a lot in common, which is nice since sometime I get bored with some of the exercises. Basically, I need to strengthen my core muscles so that they can hold my spine in place. So I'm doing a lot of laying of my back and tightening my abdominal muscles. Today I also started to do balance exercises while sitting on an exercise ball, which is both fun and challenging. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of when I sat on the exercise ball today was the clip from "The One Where They All Turn Thirty" where Phoebe goes bouncing down the street on an exercise ball. Anyway, it's going well. I still have exercises to do at home, but they seem to be going better now that I have someone who can at least correct my errors while I'm in physical therapy.

The new medicine I'm taking is designed to help accelerate my weight loss. For anyone who doesn't know, I've been a part of Weight Watchers since April. I love the meetings, and at first it was to simply help me stay on track since I couldn't exercise right away post-surgery. I'm a VERY slow weight loss person. I consider it a fantastic week if I lose a half of a pound. This summer, I managed to lose 8 pounds due to my aunt's intense fear of carbohydrates. However, once I moved back home, I gained it all back, and then some thanks to my renewed love of carbohydrates and an insane amount of birthdays, weddings, and other social events in a very short time period. I wound up weighing more than I did when I started Weight Watchers. Not much more, but enough to really frustrate me. My doctor believes that if I can get within the healthy range for what should be my BMI, I will be able to alleviate the pain. It makes sense, less weight I'm carrying = less weight my spine has to support all day.

I've always been very against diet pills. I'm not really sure if I would consider this to be a diet pill or not. In a way it is, since it helps people lose weight. But in another way, it isn't since people view diet pills as a quick fix, and this medicine is only given to people who have been attempting to lose weight correctly and are not having much success. Every month, I have to visit my doctor so she can monitor my progress and make sure that I'm not suffering from any serious side effects. If she sees that I haven't lost any weight, or that my side effects are severe, I'm off of it immediately. Apparently this medicine is serious stuff. On the streets, it's used to make crack. Not even kidding. Which is why doctors are super picky about who they prescribe it to. As soon as I stop taking it, I'll gain the weight back if I haven't adapted to a new lifestyle of healthy eating and working out. The problem that I've found with my weight struggles is that since it takes forever for me to see any kind of results, I tend to give up before I give my body a chance to form new habits. So with this medicine, I'll see results sooner, and be less likely to give up, which will help me to continue to lose weight once I'm off of the medicine, which will help my back, which will make me even more motivated to exercise, and then I'll be in a positive cycle instead of a negative one!

The good news is that I can already tell that my medicine's working. I started taking it last Saturday. That day was spent at the pumpkin show, but I didn't really feel like snacking as much as I normally would there. Part of my medicine is also an appetite suppressant. When I weighed in at Weight Watchers on Tuesday, I had already lost 3.4 pounds! My doctor said I can expect to lose 10-20 pounds a month, which is faster than what WW recommends, but I told my leader and the weigh-in person about it, so they know to not be worried about lots of big weight losses from me. The best part is that I feel so much more energized! I've been walking at the rec center in preparation of the Disney trip, and I'm actually enjoying exercise more and more every time I go. The only downside is that I started off having some trouble sleeping at night, but that went away after the first couple of days. The more active I am during the day, the less insomnia I have at night, which is true for anyone I guess, but especially with this medicine.

I'm also working much harder at tracking everything I eat. I really hate tracking, mostly because I find it annoying to constantly have to look up points or calculate them out, but I'm working on making it a habit. I also cooked my very first WW recipe with Matt for dinner on Wednesday night. We made the Tex-Mex Chef Salad found in the cookbook that comes in the starter kit (I think that's what it's called... the blue binder thing!) It was delicious! And only 6 points! We altered it a little by not putting in as much onion as it calls for, and neither Matt nor I are big fans of spinach, especially without other lettuces, so we used an iceberg/romaine mix instead. But the ground pork was so good, and I really liked being able to eat tortilla chips, since most restaurant chips are so high in points. It was also incredibly easy, although we had to do some guesstimating since Matt didn't have any measuring cups smaller than a 1/2 cup. If anyone wants the recipe, I can email it to you, just let me know!

Tasty tasty!

I promise, this is in no way about to become a food blog, since I cook very rarely, but if I find something I like, I'll definitely share it.

I think that's everything. I'm really hoping that everything that I'm doing will pay off in the end. I'm tired of being in pain, and I'm excited that I can take steps to do something about it!

~ Christine

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

For anyone who lives under a rock and hasn't been following the news in the past day, there were wild jungle animals roaming the Zanesville area last night thanks to a (crazy) man who had about 50 of them on his property, and after returning home after being in prison for an arms violation, decided to set them free and then kill himself. That's the super abbreviated version, but I'm assuming that most people have been following what's been going on.

Initially, I was so sad to hear that many of the animals had been shot and killed. However, now that Jack Hanna has spoken out in support of the Muskingum County Sheriff's Department to shoot and kill the animals that were found last night, I think that they made the right choice. Obviously, I love animals and I want nothing but the best care for them, which clearly these animals did not have, but in a situation where human life is at risk, the humans are going to have to take priority. It is very difficult to safely tranquilize an animal at night since once they are tranquilized they may run/stumble away. Just as people react differently when they are given a shot, every animal is different, plus when coupled with their nature to hunt and kill, it can be a very volatile situation if the animal does not calm down immediately. In the dark of the night, these animals are a danger to humans, and the safety of the animal is at risk too. One of the animals that was loose was hit by a car on I-70 last night, and if the sheriff's department didn't act quickly, more animals could have been hit by cars, putting the lives of humans at risk.

What irks me is that animal rights activists are attacking Jack Hanna's support of the sheriff's department's decision. Jack Hanna may be a little wacky, but he IS a professional zoologist. In other words, he knows his stuff. This is not big game hunting that he's supporting, this is the safety of human lives that he's supporting. He even said that he wished that they could have tranquilized more animals because there are zoos all over the country that are stepping up and offering homes for these animals, but because of the short amount of daylight that was left when this whole ordeal started last night, they didn't have a choice. He recognizes that these are WILD animals, just like the animals at the Columbus Zoo. You can't tame a wild animal, and especially looking at the horrifying living conditions these animals had, there's no way that they are going to look at humans as a friend. After all, it was a (very stupid) human that got these animals into this mess in the first place.

If you're going to be upset with someone, be upset with Terry Thompson who very foolishly chose to house so many exotic animals in unsafe conditions. Be upset with Governor Kasich for not giving Jack Hanna's proposal to tighten up the laws regarding ownership of exotic animals top priority. Be upset with the animal breeders who sold Terry Thompson all of these animals in the first place. But don't be upset with Jack Hanna. I can't even imagine the heartbreak he must feel watching all of those beautiful dead animals lose their life because their owner was foolish enough to attempt to set them free. If this had happened early in the day yesterday when there were more hours of daylight remaining, perhaps more animals could have been tranquilized and saved. But police generally do not carry tranquilizer darts on them because most tranquilizers are not safe for use on humans. They had no choice. Tranquilizing large wild animals isn't always the safest procedure either. In fact, Jack Hanna said on the news earlier that one of his friends who was a veterinarian was killed by a tiger that he was attempting to tranquilize. Yes, it is very sad that so many animals are dead, but I think we should remember how they got to be in this situation in the first place. It wasn't their choice to be set "free," but it is in their nature to hunt and kill for food. Even if it was a solitary animal instead of almost 50 animals, it could have turned out differently.

I want to see change. Nothing like this should ever happen again.  According to this article, Ohio currently does not regulate the possession of non-native animals AT ALL. How is this even possible? Former Governor Strickland had issued an order banning the possession of big cats, bear, and wolves, but our lovely current governor has let that order expire. So now, if you want a bear, you need a permit, but other than that, anything goes. Please explain to me how this makes any sense. First of all, who in their right mind would look at a lion and want it for a pet? You want a cat? Go to the Capital Area Humane Society and save a rescue kitty. You want a bear? Get one of these dogs:

Newfoundland: There's a reason why they're called "Gentle Giants"

They're the closest thing anyone should get to owning a bear. If you really want to see wild animals, get a season pass to the zoo or The Wilds. In the meantime, I'm thankful for the few animals who were able to make it through this terrifying ordeal alive. Now, go hug your dog/cat/rabbit/other legal domesticated pet, and tell them you love them.

~Christine

words!rambling!

I feel like I've been running on autopilot lately. The way I see it, everything I do is organized in two categories: School and Life. School is good for the most part, but I'm really stressing over this whole practicum business. I wish that SLIS gave more help in finding a practicum site. I'm trying to be very zen about the whole thing (where I find a placement is where I'll be), but my super busy schedule over the next few weeks isn't helping. I'm so determined to have a fun Halloween this year that I'm dedicating two weekends to festivities. The last two Halloweens have been so bad that I want this year to be extra fun, but unfortunately I feel like I don't have the time for extra fun. The other part with the School thing is that I feel like a lot of what I'm doing isn't helpful and is just busywork. I want to be learning more. I'm doing really well, but I don't think I'm being challenged enough. If it wasn't for my extreme procrastination, I would be bored. The only thing that's saving me from that fate is that I put off assignments for as long as possible. Even still, my one professor messed up our syllabus big time so that we have assignments due the week before we learn the contents of the lesson that relates to that assignment. Which requires me to teach myself even more than I already am in online classes. I HATE ONLINE CLASSES. Half of the websites she references in her lessons have changed or don't exist anymore, which is just plain laziness on her part. And this is supposed to be one of the top programs in the country? Disgruntled.

Life is basically good. I haven't done many fun things in a long time, at least not fun things with my friends. Luckily I have three weekends of fun coming up, so that'll be nice. I've really gotten into working out again. Starting tomorrow (technically I should have gone today, but after my day yesterday I decided that sleep was more important) I'm walking 1.25 miles and biking for half an hour, which is anywhere from 6 miles to 7 miles. I feel good after I work out, even if I'm in pain. It's never enough to stop me from pushing forward. I've also been listening to Disney podcasts, which helps keeps me focused on my goal. It's not really a solid goal, but I want to be in better shape by the time the Disney trip comes around. Not necessarily thinner, but I want to not feel so exhausted after walking around in the parks all day. I'm betting that I'll be at least a little bit thinner, but I'm not as focused on weight as I am on my happiness and how I feel.

I think I'm going to attempt NaNoWriMo again this year. I didn't get very far last year, but I was also taking three classes during all of November and this year two of my classes end the second week of November, so I'll have more time. I haven't written anything fictional in a really long time now, but I have confidence that I'll get it back soon enough.

~Christine

I hate Rory Gilmore

While I've been working on homework for the past week or so, I've been watching Gilmore Girls on DVD. It's weird, but I find that it helps me want to achieve more and work harder, with the exception of the brief period of time where Rory lapses and drops out of Yale. Anyway, it's been good for my work ethic, but I'm nearing the end of the series now (booo!) and Rory is on her post-grad job hunt. Obviously, in the end she gets an awesome job, but right now I'm at the part where she's offered a job at a newspaper in Providence, Rhode Island, but she turns it down because she wants to see if she gets a fellowship that would give her a position at the New York Times. Clearly, because karma is a bitch, she doesn't the get the fellowship and has already turned down the job in Rhode Island, thereby leaving her to be screwed. And the whole time I'm watching this horrifying turn of events, I'm screaming at her in my head to TAKE THE FUCKING JOB. I realize that these episodes aired in 2007, before the economy tanked and the job market started sucking hardcore, but watching these episodes now makes me want to smack Rory in the face.

Part of my frustration is from accidentally reading a blog entry earlier about how library school is a waste of time and money unless you already have library experience and you can do it without loans. Well damn. I have no library experience and I definitely couldn't do it without loans. I already have tons of loans from undergrad, and once I graduate, I'll have loans from grad school too. I'm praying that I get some sort of scholarship, especially after I worked for two days on my applications. The fact of the matter is that the job market sucks for just about everyone. I'm also taking a risk in limiting myself geographically in my search. I know that's not a smart thing to do, but I need to be happy where I live, and I've learned that I don't do well alone. Plus, I'm going to be drowning in student loan repayments, so even if I manage to snag a decent paying full time job, I'll have to live at home with my parents anyway.

I hate that it's so easy to get into college, or even grad school, but that it's almost impossible to find a job. I also hate that finding a job you enjoy isn't the priority anymore. It's all about finding ANYTHING.

~Christine

THE SKY IS FALLING!

Actually, I'm lying... I hope.

The sky is not falling, but it certainly feels that way every time Facebook gets it in their head that we need changes to make our lives "better" or something. It's always interesting to me to see the reactions people have when there are Facebook changes. Most people flip out. Then there are the cocky people on the sidelines who mock the people who flip out. I personally can see it both ways. Change is scary and scary usually = bad. However, the inevitable changes shouldn't be a big deal. Facebook is not the world. Remember outside? You know, it's the place where your mother sent you to go play when you were little. I realize that most of us are stuck in class/work all day and the opportunities to do fun things are small, but just because Facebook has games does not mean that it's fun. There are so many places online that you can use for entertainment if you're bored at work.

On the flipside, I do understand the concerns that people have about their privacy. With the privacy settings changing every other week (or so it seems) and with a growing number of people using Facebook, what used to be shared with just our college friends is now more likely to be accidentally found by anyone. Especially for those of us who have been on Facebook since we started college 6-7 years ago, the majority of our adult lives has been chronicled on Facebook. Let's be real. There's a lot that happens in college that we might not want everyone in the world to accidentally stumble upon because Facebook changed their privacy settings and some tiny check box in your settings automatically set itself to be unchecked.

So, is the sky falling? Not really. Do you have to love Facebook? Definitely not. I think the best way to look at this whole situation is to realize that moderation is key. Updating your status every hour probably isn't necessary... or healthy.

I do wonder what goes on at Facebook on the days that they roll out changes. I like to imagine a bunch of guys wearing zip-up hoodies sitting around chuckling at all of us plebeians of the world freaking out over something that probably doesn't have much of an effect on our lives in the long run. In the meantime Tom from Myspace is crying into his cat's fur while doing shots of gin... or at least that's what I think, but I have a very active imagination.

*Note* I realize the irony in me posting a link to this on my Facebook page, but let's be real. I have 800some Facebook friends thanks to being in two different marching bands and chaperoning trips for exchange students for three years. My Twitter and Google+ accounts have about 100 people each. You do the math.

EDIT: Turns out that the sky might be falling after all. I blame Facebook.

it was just like we were flying

Howdy.

I'm back... again. As it turns out, I still have things to say. Plus I watched Julie and Julia with my boyfriend last week and that always makes me want to blog. Now I just need to figure out how to say what I want to say in a way that makes sense to all of you wonderful people.

Let's start with the boring stuff.  School! Actually, school is interesting to me, but I'm having a hard time staying focused on it this semester. It seems like so much has happened since the last time I was in school, way back in April, and I'm not quite finished with my summertime mentality. However, I'm starting to adapt back into my academic ways now that stuff is due and I haven't done the stuff and I'm freaking out all the time because of the stuff. I love books, but I'm starting to worry if this career path I've chosen won't make me hate books the way being a music major made me hate playing my flute. That would be sad.

I think mentally handicapped llamas are secretly inside my computer making it suck at working. Seriously, the lag when I type is the most irritating thing. Hello, typos.

Interesting stuff. I have a boyfriend now! He's amazing and makes me so happy. I have a fantastic feeling about him. I keep having these, "Oh, so THAT's how you should feel when you're talking with/hanging out with/laughing with your boyfriend!" I'm turning into one of THOSE people that I normally hate because they're so damn cute with their significant other. It's also doing wonders for my stress levels! I'm so much calmer now than I was a year ago. Except that I want to hang out with him all of the time instead of working on school stuff. Then I freak out. See paragraph two.

Awesome. Thinking about stress has caused me to become even more stressed. Time for a beer!

Mrs. Obama approves of my life.

~ Christine

Hello? Is anybody out there?

So, does anyone else feel the same way I do about Blogger? That it might be going the way of Xanga and LiveJournal? I don't know, it just doesn't seem like there's the community here that there once was. Maybe it's because most of the blogs I follow have become more sporadic in posting, which doesn't encourage me to post more often. I don't really know what to say anymore either. Most of the bitches in my life are gone, or I don't feel comfortable writing about them online anymore. Either way, no one likes a whiner, and that's basically what this blog has turned into.

I'm listening to "Welcome to the Machine" currently, and it's making me wish that there was a bootleg copy of the video that plays in Space at COSI somewhere online, but if there is, I can't find it. Quality stuff, although the cartoons of the astronaut blowing up when his suit depressurizes is disturbing. Equally upsetting is the footage of the Challenger explosion. Have they added in the Columbia news footage? It's been eight years (!) now, I think it should be included if it isn't already. Well, now that I'm rambling about things that are little or no interest to most people in the world, I think I'll get to bed. Peace out!

~Christine

I'm Just Happy to Dance With You

I think it's important to acknowledge happiness. Sometimes it seems like we get so caught up in all of the bad shit that's being thrown in our faces every day that we forget that there are a lot of things every day that make us happy, even if it's something small. I've had a decent amount of shit thrown in my face in the past couple of days, and I allowed myself to be sad for a little bit (because ignoring feelings never bring about good things) but less than 24 hours later, I was back to my usual self. Why? I focused on the things that made me happy. In this case, it was a healthy mix of Fleetwood Mac, Florence + The Machine, delicious Mexican food, and talking with someone who seems to be on the same page as me in more ways than I realized were possible.

What I don't understand are the people who have rough times and over-exaggerate it in their head to the point of being unbearable. Pain is hard enough without making it worse for ourselves. And yeah, I believe in the power of schadenfreude, but there's no way to be happy with the pain you've made for yourself. It's like being trapped in a whirlpool you can't get out of. So if someone throws you a life raft, take it! Or if there's no one there to throw you a raft, make one yourself (just don't hang out in the northern Atlantic too long, Jack!) Wallowing is fine, but there's no need to make things worse in your head.

The big things aren't the only things that can bring you happiness. Look at the things I listed before. Nothing was extraordinary or extravagant. Most of the time, what makes me happy is even simpler than the things I mentioned. Puppies, bunnies, and other animals work wonders! For one thing, animals seem to be intuitive towards your feelings, so if you're blue, they know it, and they know that you might just need someone to cuddle with instead of someone to play fetch with. Everyone's different, so find what works for you. Even some snarky comments made to me at the expense of people I can't stand cheered me up the other day! It's not something I'd do all of the time, but it works in a pinch.

I'm leaving with one of my favorite quotes:

~Christine

herp derp I'm a bad blogger

I have no good reasons for not blogging. Except that I'm lazy and I've been busy.

Here's the short and narrow:

- Alabama is great, but hot all the time.
- I love books, especially weird train books.
- Canada was nice and cool, and almost all of the Canadians were super nice. Of course they were nice, they got our taxes on all of the super expensive Canadian stuff we got.
- Just kidding. Canadians are awesome, but I really do think they might be afraid of the dark.
- This is not new news, but I am absolutely terrible at "casual dating." Seriously, I wish people just courted and then got married. Bam! None of this sketchy pseudo-casual crap. Also, I get jealous easily and I hate that I do, but at the same time I don't know how to not be a crazy jealous bitch. Again, nothing new. GAH.

Alrighty then. Good talk.

*runs back to tumblr*

~ Christine

it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap

It's been two weeks since my surgery, and I'm finally starting to feel like a human being. It's crazy, I never realized how bad my sinuses were until I had them fixed. Did you know that when you inhale through your nose, you're supposed to feel a lot of air coming in? I didn't! Sometimes I just sit around breathing, just for the fun of it. I know, I sound crazy, but it's been a really long time since I was able to feel this way, and I plan on enjoying it, especially since I had to go through all of that pain to get here!

So now that my surgery's over, it's on to bigger things. Like my internship this summer! Which I leave for in... 8 days. Holy crap, where did the time go? This is the problem with laying around for two weeks. Time keeps on going, even though I wasn't going anywhere. So I have some mixed feelings. For one thing, I hate change, and I really do have a good thing going at home. I know, it sounds slightly insane for a 24 year old to enjoy living at home, but I really do. I also have a really close relationship with my family, so that helps. I just hope I can reach the point of not feeling like a houseguest this summer. I haven't been to my aunt and uncle's house in almost two years, and I really don't know where things are, like dishes and extra toilet paper. It sounds silly, but these are simple things that most of the time people take for granted. I'm also seriously questioning my ability to be able to actually do my job. I have zero experience, so at some point I'm expecting stumbling and failure, but I really hate that thought. I don't like making mistakes when it comes to work, school or otherwise. Plus this is so much more than just work. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life, so my success basically determines what the rest of my work life will be like. Let's not forget that a couple of failures was what caused me to do a 180 and change my major my senior year of undergrad. I can't make that decision again. And if I mess up, then I make my aunt look bad since this is her workplace and she vouched for me to get this internship in the first place. So no pressure, right? I suppose this summer could turn out to be fun, but right now I'm too busy being worried to worry about having fun. My hair is actually starting to fall out (again) from the stress. My mom thinks it's from the anesthesia, but that was two weeks ago. I shouldn't still feel the effects of that now.

I think I'm just going to have to jump into the next two months feet first. Really, two months isn't that long if you think about it. Two months ago today I was coming home from the eastern trip. In a way, that feels like a long time ago, especially when I think about everything that's happened since then, but then I look at my facebook pictures and I realize that the majority of my recent pictures were from that trip, so I don't feel like it was so long ago. It also helps that in the middle of my time in Alabama I have a week of vacation with my family. So it's actually 7 weeks. And one weekend I plan on visiting my old roommate Liz in Atlanta. And when I come back I have Kadie's wedding to look forward to! Then I have almost an entire month until classes start. Hopefully in that time I can find a job around here. I'm really tired of being broke. I managed to stretch my student loan money from this semester a little bit, but I also did some splurge-y things, like see Mary Poppins and I bought a couple of things to make me feel better about my surgery. But there's a lot of other splurge-y things that I wish I could have done. Thank goodness for super nice family who have been nice enough to help me out. Like my grandma paying for the paint on my car to be fixed! It looks amazing now, but there's no way I would have been able to afford that.

This hasn't gone exactly the way I planned in my head. Blargh, what else is new? Anyway, my point is that I've done some brave things in the past, and most of the time they've worked out well for me.

Good Brave Things
- breaking up with Bill (I'm counting this because even though he caused me a lot of pain for a long time afterwards, I'm now a much happier person)
- going back to school to get my MLIS
- chaperoning the rotary trips
- white water rafting (damn brave for a girl who sinks in water!)
- having the strength to realize that Kent made me miserable and I should move home
- my sinus surgery
- going climbing in the Rocky Mountains
- quitting my retail job

Yeah, I can't think of anything else. But there are some pretty big things on that list, so I feel like if I can handle them, I can handle just about anything.

ms. fix-it

My surgery is over! According to my doctor, everything went well, and the procedure only took 30 minutes. I was pretty out of it for awhile on Friday afternoon, but by the evening I was starting to come out of my post-surgery fog. I did have to wear a lovely piece of gauze taped under my nose for two days to catch the bleeding. Saturday was a better day, other than being super hungry after not being able to eat until 3 PM on Friday. Brenda delivered me some tasty ice cream, and Katie brought me back some breadsticks from Graeter's.

On the other hand, Sunday was a nightmare. I woke up super early. I slept in our recliner on Friday and Saturday night because laying flat puts pressure on my sinuses. I stood up to sit down at the kitchen table to eat breakfast, and immediately felt dizzy. Nothing I did could make the feeling go away. I even tried sitting on our swing on our front porch to get some fresh air, but the air outside smelled like rotting meat to me. I wound up spending my morning alternating between vomiting and sleeping. Finally, my mom called the doctor shortly before lunch and he determined that the painkillers I was taking was what was causing me to be so sick. Of course, it took some time for it to get out of my system, but thankfully I was feeling less queasy by Sunday evening. Monday, I spent the day being very hungry, and unfortunately, in pain. Since I couldn't take codeine anymore, I'm now on a Tylenol/Motrin plan. So yay for not vomiting, but it's obviously not nearly as powerful. Plus, a couple of days after surgery, body aches are normal if you were put under using general anesthesia. But honestly, I would much rather have aches and pains than nausea and vomiting, so compared to Sunday, Monday was a million times better. Today hasn't been too bad. My body aches aren't nearly as strong, and I'm finally able to breathe more and more out of my nose. This is kind of gross, but I have to flush out my sinuses a couple times a day to get the blood clots out. For one thing, if they hang out in there too long, they can lead to infections, plus I can't breathe with them blocking my nostrils. It sounds silly, but it's the highlight of my day. The more I can flush out now, the fewer the doctor has to remove himself on Thursday at my follow-up appointment, which I've heard isn't exactly a pleasant experience. All in all, it was definitely worth it, and I'm really glad I had the surgery, but I hope I never have to do it again *knock on wood.*

~Christine

fun fun fun... not!

My surgery time has been set. 11:15 AM on Friday. Which sucks big time because even though it's later, I still can't eat after midnight. I can drink water until 7:15 that morning, but after that, nothing at all. I'm super not excited. If I'm awake for more than about a half hour without eating, I start to get all hot and sweaty and queasy like I did most days around lunchtime last fall. So that morning's not going to be good, plus I'm planning on freaking out because I'm already freaking out now. More reason for nausea... yay!

I'm trying to stay fairly positive by reminding myself of the treats I have planned for myself. I have the 4th season of Army Wives on DVD now, and I bought mint chocolate fudge today. I'll probably wait a few days to attempt to eat that, though. Anesthesia either makes me vomit for days, or it doesn't work. Plus, I'll be lounging on the couch for at least a week, so I'll actually be able to catch up on TV. And I know it's selfish, but I'm not planning on sharing the TV. Sorry, but I was a very good girl for all three of my brother's recoveries last year (both knees and sinuses), so now it's my turn. Chances are, someday Katie will have her turn too.

Speaking of, I had an excellent conversation with my seester earlier. I tend to forget when she's at school how well we actually get along. Our sense of humor is nearly identical. It's a happy mix of quirky pop culture combined with sarcasm and a touch of sassiness. Anyway, we were discussing our trust issues and their similarities. I really hate how if you say, "TRUST ISSUES," people run away like you have the fucking plague. That's not helping the problem, that just adds fuel  to the fire. We're both rather resistant to let people in to what we're thinking, at least initially. I know, I have two blogs (that I update regularly), plus Twitter and Facebook, so how can I possibly not let people in? Oh, it's true. What I say online barely scrapes the surface. Sometimes I'm more open than others, but even that's not 100% real. I'm not saying that I never tell people anything, it just takes more time for me to feel that I can trust them to not screw me over. Between the two of us, I'd say that I'm more open than she is, but I also feel that she has an easier time of making new friends. I can make new friends, but it's a longer process for me. Even people that I was incredibly close to at UD have drifted away from me, despite attempts to stay connected. So what's the point of investing my time in someone who won't last? I have friends who have lasted me for 18-19 years, and while not every one of those years have been perfect, I know that at the end of the day, they won't leave me. They're in it for the long haul, and I am eternally grateful for that. I've also been one of the lucky ones who have been able to develop a friendship relationship with family members, especially my parents and siblings. They're not leaving me either. Even when we've been scattered across Ohio because of school, we've still been able to maintain our relationships with each other. I trust them sometimes more than I trust myself. The problem is that it's basically impossible at the beginning stages of a friendship to determine who will last and who won't. Even after a friendship has lasted for several years, it can still crumble. I don't want to sound jaded, but it's true that you learn from your experiences, and my experiences have taught me that people who you think will stand by you can throw you under a bus. However, I've also seen friendships that I didn't think would last for very long surprise me and last for many years. How can you tell before you let people into your heart if they'll abandon you?

I think friendships were a million times easier to create when I was five.

~Christine

Jud-a-as

Something awful happened tonight. I had "Judas" stuck in my head. After cleaning my ears (not even a joke, I really did have to clean my ears), I decided to give in and watch the video.

Holy mindfuck.

Lady Gaga portrayed the 12 apostles as a motorcycle gang. Actually, other than that and a slightly confusing and erotic footwashing scene, the video was much better than the song is. I appreciate that the dance moves are fairly simple for the most part. That's going to make parody videos a million times easier and more entertaining to watch!

After watching "Judas" I decided to watch "Born This Way" since I love the song and had never seen the video.

Holy mindfuck.

The first three minutes are awful. It reminded me of what Chandler must have suffered through in "The One With the Birthing Video" where he expected to view porn and watching a birthing instead by accident. Once I made it past that part, I liked it more, but if it wasn't for the music that I knew HAD to be coming, I would have turned it off before the first minute was up.

All in all, good work, Lady Gaga. You have successfully made me give a second look at 13 years of religious education and made me terrified to ever birth ANYTHING.

~Christine

so read my book with a boring ending

Hey, remember last May when I blogged every single day? That was fun. Now I have multiple blogs, and unfortunately for this blog, I'm starting to play favorites.

My eyes feel like they're on fire. Makeup bottles should come with a sticker on them so you can fill in the "expiration" date. Mascara should only last 3 months. The stuff I've been using was opened last August. Whoops. I don't know that I've EVER emptied any kind of makeup container. I just don't wear it that often. Womp womp. And now I pay the price... WITH BLINDNESS! Nah, just kidding. But my eyes really do hurt and I haven't even worn any makeup all day.

Is anyone else having Facebook issues? I don't get notifications anymore when people comment on something I post. I also get gibberish text messages from Facebook every afternoon. This problem could have been avoided if I had a sassy smartphone.

I'm already bored, and my surgery isn't until Friday. I really shouldn't be bored, because I have stuff to do, I just don't want to do it. I've reached the point where I've made my room livable, which is bad because I totally don't have everything put away. Not even close. Maybe I should trash it tomorrow so I'll be motivated to put it all away.

What do you, my dwindling readers, do as you fall asleep? The writer in me creates stories in my head. I never EVER write them down, and I've never shared the details of them. They're just too intimate to say them out loud without ruining some aspect of how they flow in my head. Usually I pick up each night where I left off the previous night, with a little bit of overlap to get me back into the storyline. I never know where my stories are going to go. The current one has taken an interesting turn that I didn't see coming. I will tell you this: it's a love story and I fire a gun. I know it sounds weird, and it 100% goes against everything I believe in, but for some reason I've always wanted to learn how to fire a weapon. And in my dream-story, I'm very skilled at it. Anyway, I just thought I would share that little tidbit, since I share my crack dreams on occasion. Oh, and another thing about these stories: They always end once I fall asleep. The crack dreams that I have never have anything to do with the story I was thinking about before I fell asleep. In a way, this always disappoints me because I enjoy my stories immensely, but in another way, I suppose this is a good thing. My stories are drastically different from my crack dreams, and I wouldn't want to taint them with some bizarre scene with a giant alligator under my bed that likes to eat body parts that hang off the edge of my bed. (Yes, that was a recent crack dream!) Nope, I like to view my dream stories like the best Disney movies. I can never get enough of them, and there's definitely a vibe to each one of them. In fact, I think I'm going to go think up the next bit of my story. Goodnight!

~Christine

lay your head down and sleep

I'm tired of repeating myself.
I'm tired of playing second fiddle to someone who doesn't deserve first chair.
I'm tired of constantly being in pain.
I'm tired of complaining about being in pain, but there's nothing else I can do.
I'm tired of never feeling like my to-do list has been completed.
I'm tired of being accused of being judgmental.
I'm tired of having other people use me as an outlet to vent, and then not liking what I have to say about their problems.
I'm tired of people complaining to me, when they won't even take 5 minutes to let me complain to them.
I'm tired of smart people making stupid choices.
I'm tired of stupid people making stupid choices.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere.
I'm tired of being tired.

grumpy gills

I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just jump in with what's currently bothering me.

I. FUCKING. HURT.

As of yesterday, I can't take any medicine because I'm within 10 days of my sinus surgery. And thanks to the lovely weather we've been having, the pressure changes have been absolutely killing my face/head and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Plus, I managed to injure my foot walking around Case Western yesterday, and the drive from hell from Cleveland back home last night hurt my back and hands. The rain was so awful, I was fighting to A. See the road and B. Stay on the road. Other than soaking in a vat of Ben-Gay (which doesn't sound like my smartest idea) I can't do anything.

The suckiest part of this is that now that I'm done with school, I was planning on having fun for the 12 days between my surgery and when I finished school. I have NOT had a very fun semester. I made more of an effort earlier in the semester to hang out with friends once a week, but it got to the point where I was killing myself trying to get everything done, and in the weeks since the Eastern Trip, my sinuses have gotten significantly worse. This surgery was definitely the right choice. Anyway, between tons of school and feeling like shit, I haven't felt like being social. In fact, most days I don't feel like getting out of bed. Now that school's off of my plate, I just have to deal with feeling lousy, which wouldn't be so bad if this was last week and I could take medicine. I don't want to do anything. Somehow, I've managed to convince myself that if I just sit still long enough, the pain will go away. I don't know if this would work or not, but I don't have the option of trying it out until next Monday because that's the first day since school ended this past Saturday that I don't have anything to do.

Alright, I'm going to go hide from the world.

~Christine

Why the Royal Wedding is Awesome

This is basically a procrastination technique because I've determined that my essay final is easier than I thought, and instead of having the logical response of, "Get it done now since it won't take long and then you can do other  fun stuff sooner!" I'm having the response of, "It's easy, and it'll still be there in a half hour. I can take a break now!"

Anyway, I've been seeing a lot of hate re: William and Kate's wedding and I'm sick of it. No, they're not our royalty, selfish Americans, but have you forgotten that our country started off as a British colony? And in more modern times, Britain has consistently been an American ally. Besides, people all over the world pay attention to our so-called "important" news and political events. The least we can do is give them the same courtesy.

Now, I know from creeping on Facebook that people are pissed that Lifetime bumped two shows on Easter about the American military to show a documentary about the wedding. And I agree that that's crap. I have zero interest in watching a show about an event that hasn't even happened yet. That wasn't a good choice on their part, especially not a holiday when so many American families are without one or more of their members because they're deployed. What irritates me are the people who are complaining that the press is making a big deal about William and Kate's wedding. Guess what: It is a big deal!

I realize most people who read this are too young to have watched Charles and Diana's wedding, since it happened before I was born. I assure you, that the same hullabaloo happened then that's happening now. And that was a wedding between two people who didn't even like each other that much! By the time Harry was born, they downright hated each other and Charles was cheating on Diana with Camilla. William and Kate are so different. For one thing, they're older. When Diana got married, she had just turned 20! I don't know about you, but when I was 20, I thought my life would be very different than how it's turned out. Not that there's anything wrong with being young and getting married, but Charles and Diana only dated for six months before they got engaged. William and Kate have been dating since 2001 (with a brief break in 2007). I think it's safe to say that they know each other well.  Plus, they're actually in love. Shocking, right? People who are in love get married every day. Princes get married every once in awhile. Princes in love rarely get married.

Even if you don't DVR the wedding (I'm assuming that no one is waking up at 4 AM to watch it live), I at least ask that you be supportive of the marriage. England needs something good to cheer for. Look at the last 100some years of their monarchy. It's filled with scandals and hush hush stories pushed under their rug. We've had our shining moments in America, now it's time for England's turn.

~ Christine

verr drunk... A FOR ORCHESTRA!

There are some things I realized tonight.

1. not enough bars in central ohio carry sam adams. i want to be in bahston again.

2. shoulder holsters are sexy. yup. dinozzo.

3. i think my font just changed, but I can't tell.

4. brb time to wash my face and rinse my sinuses.........

k back. know whats really hard for drunk people? aiming a squirt bottle at your nose. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I'll probably regret that choice tomorrow but as it is I'm going to have a hangover and I'm too drunk to do homework riht now.

sommmmeeeeeeeewhere overthe raaaaaaainbow!

and now for some poetic waxing and waning of the drunk. this come from my sophomore year roommate erin: my pee is clear because i drink beer!

fin.

that looks like fin, not the end. shaaaaark attack!! *chomp choimp*

I feel pretty..... fucking pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gay!! except not.

But I do feel pretty!

this is bad. I'm too drunk to play the sims. and  I really want to but I dont want o do something dumb like starve my sims.

mmm. rice. I want ice. and phil collins. and cheesy bread!!!!! I don't even care that it's like a milllion points. SO UCKING TATSY.

I think I know how I gained weight in colelge now.

Oh hey. ANNIE AUTOMATIC. go listen to them bitches. they're fucking awesome because thye play ROCKANDFUCKINGROOLLL.

I'm clumsy when I'm sober. think od me when I'm drunk as a skunk.

I feel like thispost shold;t be publshed. but i hace=ve so mcuh to say! YOU CAN;T TIE ME DOWN.

happy birthday nic(h)ole!!!

know what doesnt help a drunk girl? a keyboard that requires you to push the keys down real hard! i have issues writing papers, let alone drunk blogging. i blame the liquid nirogen.

annie automatic is telling me to lay my head down and sleep.

i want cheese. and a man.

IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I MADE OUT WITH SOMEONE.

the last time i was even kissed was november and truthfully it was weak sauce. i kind of want to get on okcupid even though i gave it up becase of m surgery and alabama. the last i got on okcupid when i was drunk i told a very nice boy baout my dead grandpa and that was the last time i heard from him. WOMP WOMP MOTHERFUCKING FAILWHALE.

alrigght kids, i think it's time for some water and F-ri-en-d-s!

peace out bitches!

christine

weep for yourself my man/ you'll never be what is in your heart

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always the nicest person to myself. Self, you're a bitch to me. So this whole "be nice to yourself" thing is taking some adjustment. I wish I could remember when I started to be so hard on myself, but as far back as I can remember, I've always been this way. I've been a big believer in pushing myself so that I can succeed and be the best, but and when I fail in something, not only do I disappoint others, I disappoint myself. The question is why do I feel like I disappoint others? It's not their problem if I mess up. It's mine. Even if they're relying on me for something, while they may be upset that whatever it was that I was supposed to do didn't work out, it's ultimately me who has to deal with the aftermath. I have a huge fear of failure. When I was a little kid, if I did something I wasn't supposed to, I would let others take the fall if they got caught and I didn't. I know, that's a horrible thing to do, and it's truly something I feel bad about. I just couldn't face the reality of letting myself down. I always justified it by saying that since I saw someone else be punished, I'd never do it again, and most of the time, that worked. I prided myself in being well-behaved. Well-behaved girls make their families proud, and there's that classic Catholic guilt thing kicking in. For years, this system of living under the radar, while being extremely hard on myself internally has worked for me. I've finally reached my breaking point, though. I'm starting to see that if I don't ease up on myself, I will kill myself from stress. My life is stressful enough without throwing myself as a stressor into the mix. I still have issues with feeling guilty about trying to be happy. I feel like that's something that I blogged about a year ago, and it's not better. My problem is that so many other people in my life have huge problems and issues weighing on them, and somehow I feel responsible for making sure that they're all doing okay. The problem is that many of them aren't, and then I again feel failure, and of course stress. Then I beat up on myself for being stressed because I'm supposed to be concentrating on how to be happy. I mean, unhappiness was one of the biggest reasons why I ended my last relationship.  I don't want to be alone forever, but and I'm not going to get into another relationship until I'm happy with myself. (I'm not supposed to be using the word 'but'.)

The point of all of this rambling is that I'm going to do my best to forgive myself. It's okay to not be perfect. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that simply pointing out all of the things that I'm good at outweighs all of the negative effects I feel for being imperfect. My little assignment to make myself happy for 5 minutes a day is starting to seem like a placeholder for actual legitimate happiness. Yeah, it makes me feel good, but when the 5 minutes are over I'm back to my usual self-hating personality. I suppose I could extend the 5 minutes to a longer part of my day, but that's not very realistic. I have a lot of stuff that I have to do that doesn't make me happy. I also have a lot of stuff that doesn't make me feel anything. I'm emotionally neutral on probably 95% of my school assignments. I also have a nagging thought in my head that if I can just fix everything that's wrong with me, I'll be happy because then I'll be perfect. I know that this will never happen, not because I'll never be happy, but because it's not possible to fix everything. Of course, this realization simply makes me more unhappy because I want to be happy so badly, and it seems like achieving happiness is never going to happen. I just want answers! I also kind of think that going on some sort of retreat would be helpful, but nothing religious, and definitely nothing in solitude.

I have real problems when I'm alone. I sob uncontrollably when I have to go back to Kent to pack up more of my apartment... partly because that whole situation feels like yet another failure in my life, and partly because I'm miserable when I'm alone. It's not that I'm afraid to be alone, it's more that I don't like the feeling of abandonment, even if I'm the one doing the abandoning. Honestly, that semester in Kent probably did more harm than good to my mental health. I've never experienced that kind of intense loneliness before. I was fine at UD when I lived on my own that last summer, probably because I had friends around. But Kent was just... awful. When I realized that there would be days on end where I wouldn't leave my apartment because I had no reason to, or that the only words I said out loud all day didn't happen until dinnertime when I called my mom, that's when the loneliness really hit me. Even the visits with my friends in Cleveland didn't help most of the time because I eventually had to go back to Kent, back to my empty apartment where the only company I had were my hamsters. Even though I'm alone sometimes here at home, I'm still much happier (relatively speaking, of course) here than in Kent. When people leave here, I know that they'll be back. When people would leave in Kent, I had no idea when I would see them again. Even if I do get lonely here (which hasn't happened) I have friends close by that I can call. I have family here too. I feel a tremendous pressure to be okay with being alone, really alone, without any friends, because I know in the back of my mind that someday I'll have to be open to moving away. More than once I've had the thought, "I wish I had a husband" just so I know that someday when the day comes that I'll have to leave Columbus, I'll have at least one friend with me.  And again, this whole loneliness thing feels like a failure and then I get stressed and unhappy.

Have I made myself sound crazy yet? I don't intend to, but I do want to get some of my thoughts across, in case anyone's been thinking that I'm acting like a crazy person. There is a reasoning behind my madness, it's just not something I'm super comfortable talking about in person. Believe me, it's taken me a long time to even admit half of this stuff to myself, admitting it to my friends and family may never happen, at least not verbally. The written word is a beautiful thing, and something we need to use more often... coming from a girl who has taken to blogging once a month. Hey, I'm not perfect.

~Christine

is someone getting the best of you?

I've taken to blogging as a form of procrastination. Probably not my smartest choice, but there are worse things.

Boston was awesome! It makes me wish that I had stuck it out with the Flyer Pep Band in college, but it's not like quitting FPB was my only mistake in college or anything. Anyway, seeing (some of) my UD friends was amazing, traveling was amazing, being in a band again was amazing, cheering on a really kickass team again was amazing; I wouldn't take back last weekend for anything. Except that now I'm actually drowning in schoolwork. It's rushing into my lungs and soon I won't be able to breathe. I'm not really known for getting stuff done super early, but I had to get stuff done early last week so I could go to Merrimack, and now I have to get stuff done early so I can go on the Eastern trip. I want my professors to stop assigning things that are due on Fridays. Also, I'm over busywork. I do the readings and listen to the lectures, I pinky swear. Just don't make me write an essay every single week proving that I did, plus keep up with a million discussion threads.

I'm supposed to be finding a way to make myself be happy for five minutes a day, and it's really not easy. I'm either stressed, busy, worried, or tired. Happy and relaxed simply aren't in my schedule anymore. One of my friends posted a link on Facebook to a website that played the sounds of the ocean while you looked at the picture of waves, and the idea was for you to not do anything for two minutes. On my first try, I lasted 4 seconds. The second try was better, but the anxiety of not doing anything was making me panic that I was wasting time. I just wish I could see that relaxing isn't a waste of time. This is totally a trait I picked up from my mom. She doesn't know how to relax, and I think it's finally rubbed off on me. It probably sounds like crazy talk, but I wish I could take a vacation from myself. Just break out of my body and be free for a little while, without worrying about getting school stuff done, or applying for jobs, figuring out my schedule, or any of the other millions of things I worry about on a daily basis. It's gotten to the point where I sit and envy Rosie because all he does is lay around, lick himself, and sometimes he hops around in fit of happiness. His biggest worry each day is what time he gets his dinner salad. Lucky bastard.

I wish I didn't have to sleep. Or eat. Or shower. Talk about time consuming. If I didn't sleep, eat, or shower, I'd save about 11 hours each day, assuming I eat a quick breakfast and lunch. Eleven hours. What would you do with eleven extra hours? I'd certainly be caught up on my school stuff then. I might even have time to be happy. Or find places for all of the stuff I brought back from Kent a couple of weeks ago. Or play Animal Crossing. Or reinstall The Sims 3. Or retrieve the rest of the music I lost when my hard drive crashed. Or do something because I want to, not because I have to, or because it's something that people expect me to do. I could laugh. I don't laugh very much anymore. It used to be a daily occurrence, but now it might be days between laughs. Who has time to think about funny things? I would make a specific list of everything I think and worry about, but I'm not sure what good that would do. It's not like writing it down makes it go away. They're still little thought nuggets, permanently ingrained in my brain.

I'm nice and tired now. At least while I fall asleep I still have the ability to think about all of the happy things I want, but they usually put me to sleep before I have a chance to enjoy them. Of course, once I'm asleep, I never dream about what I was thinking about while I was falling asleep. Usually it's something terrifying or bizarre. Rarely do I have good dreams. I wish I had more control over my subconscious thoughts. I'd dream of nothing but happiness every night if I could.

~ Christine

I'm Addicted to You, Don't You Know That You're Toxic?

Words!

I'm not really sure what I put in my last entry. Probably not a good sign, but I'll just chalk it up to being super duper busy. Quick update on my lappy: It's STILL dead. I'm still waiting to hear back from the magical people who can recover data from broken hard drives. I'm also still waiting for Asus to resend me a new recovery disc. If I had known that it was going to take them this long, I would have saved myself the $60 and just hunted for it in my apartment in Kent (which I'll be back in for one night only on Thursday). Oh well. Live, learn, and back up your data! I might get that tattooed on my arm. Kidding.

Onto happier topics... I'm 24 now! Not so happy, but whatever. I'll fake it. I'm also having a lot of sinus pain, thanks to to weather being cold, then really warm, then cold and snowing and sleeting, then warm enough to melt the snow, then GIANT THUNDERSTORMS OF DOOM (and flooding), and now we're back to cold, but no snow. I kind of want to take the state of Ohio and slap it in the face like Katherine did to Casey on last week's episode of Greek. Pick a weather and stick with it! I can only use the steroid spray so often!

Now for an actual happy topic: I'm going to Boston in a week and a half! And now the creepers are checking their calendars... because the Eastern trip isn't for another two and a half weeks, and Boston's the end of that trip. Shock! Awe! Is it magic? HOW DOES SHE DO IT? I'm going with the Flyer Pep Band alumni to play at a couple of hockey games for Merrimack College. I know, right? That's totally wack! To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure how this all has worked out, but I think the gist of it is that collegiate pep band directors do each other more favors than the mob. And the actual FPB is off at the A-10 tournament. So now I get to spend a weekend in Boston with some of my favorite people from UD, and I don't have to pay for it! Our flight is paid for, and so is our hotel. We may even get a daily food stipend, which would be the only thing I'd have to pay for. Of course, this isn't spring break for me or anything, so I'll still have to work on school stuff. My plan is to work my ass off before I leave so I won't have to do a lot while I'm gone, plus if I don't have my lappy back by then, I won't be able to work on stuff anyway! So I'm going to be SUPER duper busy again, but it's totally going to be worth it. If you tell me I get to travel, and I'll spend next to nothing, I'll go. Doesn't matter what I have to do, I'll go tap dance on Elvis' grave if I get to go somewhere!

The rabbit keeps glaring at me and yawning, so I should probably get to bed. In addition to getting all of my school crap done, I still have some stuff in Katie's room, plus I have a little bit of stuff to do in my own room too. In a way, not having my laptop right now is a blessing in disguise. I have very few distractions at the ready!

~ Christine

Where I've Been, or, How My Life Has Gone to The Birds

Yo. (I've taken to saying 'Yo' a lot. It's the new leaf in me.) Speaking of Yo, I just realized that I forgot to watch Chelsea Lately and it's currently 11:32. Damn.

I realize it's been a month since I've blogged. So I'm going to play catch-up.

1. I'm officially transferring to Kent SLIS Columbus for next year. Kent, Ohio has to be the most abysmal place I've been, and I've been to a lot of really lousy places, including a week in West Virginia where it rained every day and all of our activities were outside, resulting in playing the same four board games over and over. Kent was worse. I was miserable there, and after all of the work I did trying to figure out how to make myself happy after I broke up with Bill last year, I basically took four giant leaps backwards. Being at home has helped because I'm around people all of the time, but there's no way I can go back. As soon as I realized at the end of Christmas break that I would do anything in my power to avoid going back, I knew that it was over for Kent and me. To be perfectly honest, there's still a lot of things about me that I need to improve mentally, and I think that not having that much alone time day after day is going to help me. So, it's back to old Columbus town for me!

2. I have to have sinus surgery. I've been having issues with my sinuses since last summer, and it's gotten worse and worse as time has gone on. So after a slew of doctor's appointments, allergy medicines, decongestants, and nasal sprays, it was determined by a CT scan that I had a cyst on my maxillary sinus that was causing the headaches. Then I was referred to an ENT specialist who told me that in addition to the cyst, I also have a deviated septum (which I've assumed about myself for years) and my turbine sinuses aren't formed correctly. I'm having surgery to fix all three things at once sometime in May. With school being so chaotic, I can't afford to be out of commission for even one day, and recovery can take up to a week. I have a couple more months of suffering, but then I'll most likely be pain free, as long as I take care of my sinuses. Which means no more hookah or secondhand smoke. I try to avoid the smoke anyway since I was told years ago that I have an allergy to it, but the hookah thing makes me sad since that's a social thing for my friends here. I'm not taking any chances with this though. I know someone (who will remain nameless, at least on the interwebs) who has caused sinus pains and infections after their surgery by smoking after recovering. No thanks. The only surgery I've had was getting my wisdom teeth removed when I was 14, and from what I remember, I was in pain for a few days afterwards because the pain meds made me nauseated. I'd like to avoid having the same surgery twice, please!

The funny thing is that I'm really hoping they don't have to reshape my nose too much. I actually like the way my nose looks. It's distinctive, and it's a family trait! We all have the same nose (my mom used to, before her own sinus surgery in her early 20s) and it's really grown on me. My 13 year old self is probably kicking and screaming right now, but all of the hurtful things that people have said to me over the years about it (*ahem* shark fin) have only given me a solid reason to hate guys who are legitimate douchebags. Now that I think about it, the only people who have ever made fun of me for my nose have been guys. Wow. Where do I meet all of these assholes?

3. Speaking of my nose, I'm a baroness. For years, we've always heard that we're distantly related to some German nobility, but my mom and I couldn't remember the details. So we asked my grandma last week, and lo and behold, my great-grandma was a baroness. Apparently when my grandma and her brother were growing up, if they misbehaved, my Oma would threaten to tell the Baron on them. They assumed she was just messing with them, like how you tell kids to behave because Santa's watching (sorry if I burst any bubbles). After my Oma passed, away, my great-uncle Joe went through some of her papers, and discovered that when my Oma threatened to tell the Baron, she meant her father. So she was a baroness, and that makes all of her descendants either barons or baronesses. There's a different term for it in German, I think it's Freiherr for baron and Freiin for baronesses. Of course, there's no nobility in Germany anymore, so there aren't any privileges, other than bragging rights. The title just gets absorbed into my family name. Did you know that Jamie Lee Curtis is technically a baroness through marriage? This is even more awesome than the time I figured out that there are only five degrees of separation between myself and Kevin Bacon!

Oh right, I should probably explain why nose = baroness. It's pretty simple. My nose is known as the "Noe Nose." My Oma's maiden name was Noe, and all Noes have this nose. Nobility is pretty notorious for some intense inbreeding. Now that I know that our family has a history of nobility, it makes sense that somewhere along the line, there were some hinky things going on, and ta-da! We have a genetically dominant nose! It's also why if you take pictures of my great-grandma, my grandma, my mom and her sister, and myself and my sister, there are some frightening similarities. I've actually mistaken my mother for myself in pictures, that's how similar we look. I've been told by several family members that when I style my hair a certain way, I'm a dead ringer for my Oma. The downside to all of this is that we all have deviated septums, but hey, between a deviated septum and webbed toes, I'd rather have the funky sinuses.

4. My lappy is dead. It's complicated and I'm tired, so I don't want to go too far into details but it's been dying for several days. Today was the end for it. I ran a scan on Saturday and I have some corrupt Windows files, plus my hard drive has started to eat data (I suddenly gained 25 GB of free space without deleting anything), and this morning Windows refused to load. It's in the care of the Geek Squad guys, and I'm praying that they can fix it because I've already dropped almost $400 to back any data they can and to figure out what's wrong. If I need a new hard drive, that's going to be extra. I was pretty psyched about having a little extra money going into the Eastern trip this year, since I'm saving money by not driving an hour and a half once a week to see friends, and I don't have to buy groceries, but almost all of that extra money is gone now. Technically, it's not even my money, it's my student loan money! And of course I'm in all online classes this semester. Not having a computer is killing me. Luckily, my procrastination prevented me from starting on any of the assignments I have due this week before today, so I haven't lost anything of that nature. And my parents got a brand new computer on Friday, so that's what I've been working on all day (and where I'm writing this). I'm sure they'd like to be able to use their new computer some more, and I know my dad has work to do in transferring old files, but in the meantime I need to not flunk out of grad school.

I've spent entirely too long writing this, but after a month of not blogging, I had a lot of stuff bottled up! I have no idea when I'll be able to post again since my third class is starting on Monday and I'm struggling to stay on top of things with just two classes. Plus, I don't have a computer right now. OY!

~ Christine

P.S. Did you catch that I ended this entry with a palindrome of the word I started it with? Bam, I'm awesome. And sleepy.

sprinkle some seasoning

Hold on to your panties, I'm posting two days in a row!

I don't have any one large topic to write about, but I do have a variety of little musings.

It just dawned on me that THE end of Harry Potter will happen this July. At least when the last book came out, we still had a couple more movies left. This is it. I was so sad when the books ended, so I'm scared to think how sad I'll be when it's all over.

I finally got the heat going in my apartment. All those times that I turned on the wall units and it blew out cold air, I should have just left it on for awhile because now it's toasty in here. Huzzah!

The clunk in my refrigerator has returned. When I stayed here one night a week and a half ago, I never heard it clunk, so I assumed that they fixed it over break. Maybe they did, but it didn't stick around.

I have my interview for an assistantship tomorrow. I'm not nervous, but it just dawned on me that the last time I had a job interview was last February, so maybe I should be a little nervous.

I don't what it is about me, but I'm attracting all of the wrong guys on OkCupid. They're all short rednecks with missing teeth and children. Believe me, I have nothing against children, but I don't want to be someone's stepmother, at least not in my 20's. I think my profile is pretty kickass, but maybe it's not. I don't know, maybe I should message more guys first. I sent out a message a few days ago to one guy, but I haven't heard anything back yet. Maybe I'm being too picky, but I'm only going to message a guy if he's really special. I need a Yente. Or Patti Stanger.

Oh, but if you read this and you're a friend of mine in real life and you want to do a homegirl a favor, I would be ecstatic if you wanted to review my profile for me. Just let me know and I'll send you the link.

The Kardashians are distracting me... but I'm really glad Kourtney finally told Scott that his outfit makes no sense.

~ Christine

I dream of B.D. Wong

It's been awhile since I've had a crack dream. Or at least it's been awhile since I've blogged about a crack dream.

Last night's edition was a flashback to my high school days. I was getting ready for school in the morning (read: it was pitch black outside) and two guys came to my house, saying that they needed to install a software update on our computer. I was confused, but before I had a chance to say no, they sat down at the home computer, which was on the front porch, and installed some program. Right after they installed it, I realized they were up to no good, and checked to see what they did. Lo and behold, they had installed a worm that destroyed everything on all of our computers, and everything on all of the Worthington Police Department computers too. Naturally, I flipped out and called the cops. The evil computer guys didn't even try to escape; they just knew they had been caught. I was so embarrassed when the cops showed up that I had let these two idiots destroy everything, and I ran upstairs to hide in my bedroom.

I looked out of my bedroom window, and there was a swarm of cops on our front porch and lawn. One of them was B.D. Wong! For anyone who's lived in a vacuum, or anyone who doesn't like cop shows, he's an actor on Law & Order: SVU. Exhibit A:

Anyway, B.D. Wong had been given the task of changing all of our usernames and passwords, in case the evil computer guys had found a way to steal those and break into our email accounts. He gave me a piece of paper with all of our new information, and for a second, I thought we had been given new identities. Anyway, he made me feel less guilty about letting those guys install the worm, and he brought up the good point that it was my parents' fault for putting our computer on the front porch.

I now *heart* B.D. Wong!

~ Christine

I feel it all

I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside


Ooh, I'll be the one to break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun


I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn't rest, I didn't stop
Did we fight or did we talk?


Ooh, I'll be the one to break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun


I love you more, I love you more
I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I wanna win the war


No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor


Stranded in the fog of words
Loved him like the winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away, fly away to what you wanna make

I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all

The wings are wide, the wings are wide

Wild card inside, wild card inside

Ooh, I'll be the one to break my heart

I'll be the one who'll break my heart

I'll be the one who'll break my heart

I'll end it, though you started it

The truth lies

The truth lied

No one knows

And lies divide

Lies divide

I'm pretty sure Feist crawled into my brain and wrote this song based on my life.

I feel so many things right now, it has to be classified as feeling it all. I'm still angry, still hurt, still feeling like an idiot for not seeing the truth sooner, but I also feel guilty. I said a lot of really awful things in my last entry, and even though I'm pretty sure that he'll never see them, there's always a chance he will. Some of it he probably needs to hear, and some of it he probably shouldn't. I've been feeling like I have to bottle everything in as well. I'm afraid that if I really express what I'm feeling, I'll get grief about it. As if having feelings is a bad thing. I have good reason to be afraid of this too. It's happened to me before, even when the judgement of other people wasn't wanted. It's so easy to criticize other people when you're not in their shoes.

I want to cry. But I can't. I don't think this situation is a good enough reason to cry, at least not in a way that other people would understand.

Why do I always have to be the one to end things? It makes me think that I can't have a healthy relationship with someone without sabotaging it. Or is it that the guys I pick just aren't strong enough to recognize when things aren't going well? Or do I act prematurely? I occasionally still wonder if I made the right decision when I dumped each of my previous exes. The only one who dumped me isn't exactly a shining example of Good Life Choices (he tried to sleep with two of my roommates in college) so he's no defense for the argument that the Dumper makes the best choices and has the best clarity. How are we supposed to know if we're making the right decisions when we break up with people?

What if I made a horrible mistake? What if he really was just busy and was waiting for me to take initiative to text? I waited over a week after not hearing from him to attempt to contact him. What he thought that meant that I had lost interest? For all I know, the second OkCupid profile could have been to avoid a certain wacko stalker who was also pressuring him on Facebook to join her charity. He's not exactly the type of guy who's confident around women. After all, it took him awhile to even ask me on a date. I never even gave him a chance to defend himself... I just went into attack mode. Oh god, I was so wrong.

What have I done?

~ Christine

I'm not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me

I think it's safe to say that I've been blindsided. I really did think that I could actually believe what was told to me by a guy, but instead every stereotype about men being pigs has been proven true once again.

Not once did I force him into sticking around. He chose that willingly. To me, this should be simple. If you like a girl, you continue talking to her. If you don't like her, you tell her that the feeling's gone and then you move on. You DON'T lead her on for almost five months and you DON'T act like a fucking coward and hide when the day before you were still texting about getting home from work. Which brings up another point: Why the hell would you text someone every single day telling them that you made it home from work? Especially when you're not in a relationship and you have no intention of being in a relationship? All that does is lead me on. Don't act like a boyfriend if you don't want to be one.

Want to know why you've spent the last four New Year's Eves alone? Because you don't communicate. Not because you're shy. Not because you seem to have it in your head that no one takes you seriously. Because I fucking took you way too seriously. No, it's as simple as you have no FUCKING clue how to talk to people. And don't even attempt to trick more women into thinking that you're a victimized, nerdy, shy guy. The only person victimizing you is you. So stop it. No woman wants to date a nonstop pity party. It's really not a hard concept. Get over yourself and be interested in the other person. Respond to questions with more than one word. Or if you're feeling really crazy, a follow-up question!

Now that I've been defriended (and I seriously doubt that this blog is actually being read by the person it's intended for), I feel safe in confessing a few things. First of all, as I've said before, I had zero interest in dating someone when you first messaged me. None. So go ahead and feel guilty because now I've spent the last five months of my life pining after someone who never even deserved my attention in the first place. Second, when I found you on Facebook, I thought you were retarded. Erm, "mentally disabled." Yup. Your pictures on OkCupid were SO misleading that when I saw your Facebook profile, I thought that Toby Keith was rubbing the head of some retarded kid who won a contest or got pity from a celebrity who needed a cause to back for better PR. So way to go, the suave guy wearing a fedora turned into the retarded kid earning pity from a washed-out celeb. Again, not what women want.

I think the part that bothers me the most in all of this is that you claimed to be an honest person who would always tell me the truth. I gave you so many chances to back out and say no, and you never took them. WHY THE FUCK NOT? I would have been mad and hurt, sure. But if you had just said back in November after our date that you weren't that interested (like I'm sure you weren't by then) I could have had the last two months of my life without you taking up mental space. You lied, and you led me on for months! Do you honestly think I want to look back at the first semester of grad school and see myself wasting hours on end texting and talking on the phone with someone who didn't even have the decency to be honest with me? By lying (and lying for so long), you are essentially telling me that I don't matter enough in your eyes to hear what you actually think. I WOULD HAVE FUCKING LISTENED TO YOU IF YOU WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING WORTHWHILE. But when the only thing you can talk about is a bunch of small talk, and we've "known" each other for five months, there's something wrong. At the five month mark, you're supposed to be swoony and adorable. Not creating a new secret profile on OkCupid. Do you think I wouldn't see it? I'm not an idiot. Which is why I don't care that I'm burning this bridge. I don't build bridges with lying assholes who have self confidence and communication issues.

~ Christine