sprinkle some seasoning

Hold on to your panties, I'm posting two days in a row!

I don't have any one large topic to write about, but I do have a variety of little musings.

It just dawned on me that THE end of Harry Potter will happen this July. At least when the last book came out, we still had a couple more movies left. This is it. I was so sad when the books ended, so I'm scared to think how sad I'll be when it's all over.

I finally got the heat going in my apartment. All those times that I turned on the wall units and it blew out cold air, I should have just left it on for awhile because now it's toasty in here. Huzzah!

The clunk in my refrigerator has returned. When I stayed here one night a week and a half ago, I never heard it clunk, so I assumed that they fixed it over break. Maybe they did, but it didn't stick around.

I have my interview for an assistantship tomorrow. I'm not nervous, but it just dawned on me that the last time I had a job interview was last February, so maybe I should be a little nervous.

I don't what it is about me, but I'm attracting all of the wrong guys on OkCupid. They're all short rednecks with missing teeth and children. Believe me, I have nothing against children, but I don't want to be someone's stepmother, at least not in my 20's. I think my profile is pretty kickass, but maybe it's not. I don't know, maybe I should message more guys first. I sent out a message a few days ago to one guy, but I haven't heard anything back yet. Maybe I'm being too picky, but I'm only going to message a guy if he's really special. I need a Yente. Or Patti Stanger.

Oh, but if you read this and you're a friend of mine in real life and you want to do a homegirl a favor, I would be ecstatic if you wanted to review my profile for me. Just let me know and I'll send you the link.

The Kardashians are distracting me... but I'm really glad Kourtney finally told Scott that his outfit makes no sense.

~ Christine

I dream of B.D. Wong

It's been awhile since I've had a crack dream. Or at least it's been awhile since I've blogged about a crack dream.

Last night's edition was a flashback to my high school days. I was getting ready for school in the morning (read: it was pitch black outside) and two guys came to my house, saying that they needed to install a software update on our computer. I was confused, but before I had a chance to say no, they sat down at the home computer, which was on the front porch, and installed some program. Right after they installed it, I realized they were up to no good, and checked to see what they did. Lo and behold, they had installed a worm that destroyed everything on all of our computers, and everything on all of the Worthington Police Department computers too. Naturally, I flipped out and called the cops. The evil computer guys didn't even try to escape; they just knew they had been caught. I was so embarrassed when the cops showed up that I had let these two idiots destroy everything, and I ran upstairs to hide in my bedroom.

I looked out of my bedroom window, and there was a swarm of cops on our front porch and lawn. One of them was B.D. Wong! For anyone who's lived in a vacuum, or anyone who doesn't like cop shows, he's an actor on Law & Order: SVU. Exhibit A:

Anyway, B.D. Wong had been given the task of changing all of our usernames and passwords, in case the evil computer guys had found a way to steal those and break into our email accounts. He gave me a piece of paper with all of our new information, and for a second, I thought we had been given new identities. Anyway, he made me feel less guilty about letting those guys install the worm, and he brought up the good point that it was my parents' fault for putting our computer on the front porch.

I now *heart* B.D. Wong!

~ Christine

I feel it all

I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside


Ooh, I'll be the one to break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun


I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn't rest, I didn't stop
Did we fight or did we talk?


Ooh, I'll be the one to break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun


I love you more, I love you more
I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I wanna win the war


No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor


Stranded in the fog of words
Loved him like the winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away, fly away to what you wanna make

I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all

The wings are wide, the wings are wide

Wild card inside, wild card inside

Ooh, I'll be the one to break my heart

I'll be the one who'll break my heart

I'll be the one who'll break my heart

I'll end it, though you started it

The truth lies

The truth lied

No one knows

And lies divide

Lies divide

I'm pretty sure Feist crawled into my brain and wrote this song based on my life.

I feel so many things right now, it has to be classified as feeling it all. I'm still angry, still hurt, still feeling like an idiot for not seeing the truth sooner, but I also feel guilty. I said a lot of really awful things in my last entry, and even though I'm pretty sure that he'll never see them, there's always a chance he will. Some of it he probably needs to hear, and some of it he probably shouldn't. I've been feeling like I have to bottle everything in as well. I'm afraid that if I really express what I'm feeling, I'll get grief about it. As if having feelings is a bad thing. I have good reason to be afraid of this too. It's happened to me before, even when the judgement of other people wasn't wanted. It's so easy to criticize other people when you're not in their shoes.

I want to cry. But I can't. I don't think this situation is a good enough reason to cry, at least not in a way that other people would understand.

Why do I always have to be the one to end things? It makes me think that I can't have a healthy relationship with someone without sabotaging it. Or is it that the guys I pick just aren't strong enough to recognize when things aren't going well? Or do I act prematurely? I occasionally still wonder if I made the right decision when I dumped each of my previous exes. The only one who dumped me isn't exactly a shining example of Good Life Choices (he tried to sleep with two of my roommates in college) so he's no defense for the argument that the Dumper makes the best choices and has the best clarity. How are we supposed to know if we're making the right decisions when we break up with people?

What if I made a horrible mistake? What if he really was just busy and was waiting for me to take initiative to text? I waited over a week after not hearing from him to attempt to contact him. What he thought that meant that I had lost interest? For all I know, the second OkCupid profile could have been to avoid a certain wacko stalker who was also pressuring him on Facebook to join her charity. He's not exactly the type of guy who's confident around women. After all, it took him awhile to even ask me on a date. I never even gave him a chance to defend himself... I just went into attack mode. Oh god, I was so wrong.

What have I done?

~ Christine

I'm not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me

I think it's safe to say that I've been blindsided. I really did think that I could actually believe what was told to me by a guy, but instead every stereotype about men being pigs has been proven true once again.

Not once did I force him into sticking around. He chose that willingly. To me, this should be simple. If you like a girl, you continue talking to her. If you don't like her, you tell her that the feeling's gone and then you move on. You DON'T lead her on for almost five months and you DON'T act like a fucking coward and hide when the day before you were still texting about getting home from work. Which brings up another point: Why the hell would you text someone every single day telling them that you made it home from work? Especially when you're not in a relationship and you have no intention of being in a relationship? All that does is lead me on. Don't act like a boyfriend if you don't want to be one.

Want to know why you've spent the last four New Year's Eves alone? Because you don't communicate. Not because you're shy. Not because you seem to have it in your head that no one takes you seriously. Because I fucking took you way too seriously. No, it's as simple as you have no FUCKING clue how to talk to people. And don't even attempt to trick more women into thinking that you're a victimized, nerdy, shy guy. The only person victimizing you is you. So stop it. No woman wants to date a nonstop pity party. It's really not a hard concept. Get over yourself and be interested in the other person. Respond to questions with more than one word. Or if you're feeling really crazy, a follow-up question!

Now that I've been defriended (and I seriously doubt that this blog is actually being read by the person it's intended for), I feel safe in confessing a few things. First of all, as I've said before, I had zero interest in dating someone when you first messaged me. None. So go ahead and feel guilty because now I've spent the last five months of my life pining after someone who never even deserved my attention in the first place. Second, when I found you on Facebook, I thought you were retarded. Erm, "mentally disabled." Yup. Your pictures on OkCupid were SO misleading that when I saw your Facebook profile, I thought that Toby Keith was rubbing the head of some retarded kid who won a contest or got pity from a celebrity who needed a cause to back for better PR. So way to go, the suave guy wearing a fedora turned into the retarded kid earning pity from a washed-out celeb. Again, not what women want.

I think the part that bothers me the most in all of this is that you claimed to be an honest person who would always tell me the truth. I gave you so many chances to back out and say no, and you never took them. WHY THE FUCK NOT? I would have been mad and hurt, sure. But if you had just said back in November after our date that you weren't that interested (like I'm sure you weren't by then) I could have had the last two months of my life without you taking up mental space. You lied, and you led me on for months! Do you honestly think I want to look back at the first semester of grad school and see myself wasting hours on end texting and talking on the phone with someone who didn't even have the decency to be honest with me? By lying (and lying for so long), you are essentially telling me that I don't matter enough in your eyes to hear what you actually think. I WOULD HAVE FUCKING LISTENED TO YOU IF YOU WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING WORTHWHILE. But when the only thing you can talk about is a bunch of small talk, and we've "known" each other for five months, there's something wrong. At the five month mark, you're supposed to be swoony and adorable. Not creating a new secret profile on OkCupid. Do you think I wouldn't see it? I'm not an idiot. Which is why I don't care that I'm burning this bridge. I don't build bridges with lying assholes who have self confidence and communication issues.

~ Christine