The Lion Sleeps Tonight

For anyone who lives under a rock and hasn't been following the news in the past day, there were wild jungle animals roaming the Zanesville area last night thanks to a (crazy) man who had about 50 of them on his property, and after returning home after being in prison for an arms violation, decided to set them free and then kill himself. That's the super abbreviated version, but I'm assuming that most people have been following what's been going on.

Initially, I was so sad to hear that many of the animals had been shot and killed. However, now that Jack Hanna has spoken out in support of the Muskingum County Sheriff's Department to shoot and kill the animals that were found last night, I think that they made the right choice. Obviously, I love animals and I want nothing but the best care for them, which clearly these animals did not have, but in a situation where human life is at risk, the humans are going to have to take priority. It is very difficult to safely tranquilize an animal at night since once they are tranquilized they may run/stumble away. Just as people react differently when they are given a shot, every animal is different, plus when coupled with their nature to hunt and kill, it can be a very volatile situation if the animal does not calm down immediately. In the dark of the night, these animals are a danger to humans, and the safety of the animal is at risk too. One of the animals that was loose was hit by a car on I-70 last night, and if the sheriff's department didn't act quickly, more animals could have been hit by cars, putting the lives of humans at risk.

What irks me is that animal rights activists are attacking Jack Hanna's support of the sheriff's department's decision. Jack Hanna may be a little wacky, but he IS a professional zoologist. In other words, he knows his stuff. This is not big game hunting that he's supporting, this is the safety of human lives that he's supporting. He even said that he wished that they could have tranquilized more animals because there are zoos all over the country that are stepping up and offering homes for these animals, but because of the short amount of daylight that was left when this whole ordeal started last night, they didn't have a choice. He recognizes that these are WILD animals, just like the animals at the Columbus Zoo. You can't tame a wild animal, and especially looking at the horrifying living conditions these animals had, there's no way that they are going to look at humans as a friend. After all, it was a (very stupid) human that got these animals into this mess in the first place.

If you're going to be upset with someone, be upset with Terry Thompson who very foolishly chose to house so many exotic animals in unsafe conditions. Be upset with Governor Kasich for not giving Jack Hanna's proposal to tighten up the laws regarding ownership of exotic animals top priority. Be upset with the animal breeders who sold Terry Thompson all of these animals in the first place. But don't be upset with Jack Hanna. I can't even imagine the heartbreak he must feel watching all of those beautiful dead animals lose their life because their owner was foolish enough to attempt to set them free. If this had happened early in the day yesterday when there were more hours of daylight remaining, perhaps more animals could have been tranquilized and saved. But police generally do not carry tranquilizer darts on them because most tranquilizers are not safe for use on humans. They had no choice. Tranquilizing large wild animals isn't always the safest procedure either. In fact, Jack Hanna said on the news earlier that one of his friends who was a veterinarian was killed by a tiger that he was attempting to tranquilize. Yes, it is very sad that so many animals are dead, but I think we should remember how they got to be in this situation in the first place. It wasn't their choice to be set "free," but it is in their nature to hunt and kill for food. Even if it was a solitary animal instead of almost 50 animals, it could have turned out differently.

I want to see change. Nothing like this should ever happen again.  According to this article, Ohio currently does not regulate the possession of non-native animals AT ALL. How is this even possible? Former Governor Strickland had issued an order banning the possession of big cats, bear, and wolves, but our lovely current governor has let that order expire. So now, if you want a bear, you need a permit, but other than that, anything goes. Please explain to me how this makes any sense. First of all, who in their right mind would look at a lion and want it for a pet? You want a cat? Go to the Capital Area Humane Society and save a rescue kitty. You want a bear? Get one of these dogs:

Newfoundland: There's a reason why they're called "Gentle Giants"

They're the closest thing anyone should get to owning a bear. If you really want to see wild animals, get a season pass to the zoo or The Wilds. In the meantime, I'm thankful for the few animals who were able to make it through this terrifying ordeal alive. Now, go hug your dog/cat/rabbit/other legal domesticated pet, and tell them you love them.

~Christine

herp derp I'm a bad blogger

I have no good reasons for not blogging. Except that I'm lazy and I've been busy.

Here's the short and narrow:

- Alabama is great, but hot all the time.
- I love books, especially weird train books.
- Canada was nice and cool, and almost all of the Canadians were super nice. Of course they were nice, they got our taxes on all of the super expensive Canadian stuff we got.
- Just kidding. Canadians are awesome, but I really do think they might be afraid of the dark.
- This is not new news, but I am absolutely terrible at "casual dating." Seriously, I wish people just courted and then got married. Bam! None of this sketchy pseudo-casual crap. Also, I get jealous easily and I hate that I do, but at the same time I don't know how to not be a crazy jealous bitch. Again, nothing new. GAH.

Alrighty then. Good talk.

*runs back to tumblr*

~ Christine

weep for yourself my man/ you'll never be what is in your heart

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always the nicest person to myself. Self, you're a bitch to me. So this whole "be nice to yourself" thing is taking some adjustment. I wish I could remember when I started to be so hard on myself, but as far back as I can remember, I've always been this way. I've been a big believer in pushing myself so that I can succeed and be the best, but and when I fail in something, not only do I disappoint others, I disappoint myself. The question is why do I feel like I disappoint others? It's not their problem if I mess up. It's mine. Even if they're relying on me for something, while they may be upset that whatever it was that I was supposed to do didn't work out, it's ultimately me who has to deal with the aftermath. I have a huge fear of failure. When I was a little kid, if I did something I wasn't supposed to, I would let others take the fall if they got caught and I didn't. I know, that's a horrible thing to do, and it's truly something I feel bad about. I just couldn't face the reality of letting myself down. I always justified it by saying that since I saw someone else be punished, I'd never do it again, and most of the time, that worked. I prided myself in being well-behaved. Well-behaved girls make their families proud, and there's that classic Catholic guilt thing kicking in. For years, this system of living under the radar, while being extremely hard on myself internally has worked for me. I've finally reached my breaking point, though. I'm starting to see that if I don't ease up on myself, I will kill myself from stress. My life is stressful enough without throwing myself as a stressor into the mix. I still have issues with feeling guilty about trying to be happy. I feel like that's something that I blogged about a year ago, and it's not better. My problem is that so many other people in my life have huge problems and issues weighing on them, and somehow I feel responsible for making sure that they're all doing okay. The problem is that many of them aren't, and then I again feel failure, and of course stress. Then I beat up on myself for being stressed because I'm supposed to be concentrating on how to be happy. I mean, unhappiness was one of the biggest reasons why I ended my last relationship.  I don't want to be alone forever, but and I'm not going to get into another relationship until I'm happy with myself. (I'm not supposed to be using the word 'but'.)

The point of all of this rambling is that I'm going to do my best to forgive myself. It's okay to not be perfect. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that simply pointing out all of the things that I'm good at outweighs all of the negative effects I feel for being imperfect. My little assignment to make myself happy for 5 minutes a day is starting to seem like a placeholder for actual legitimate happiness. Yeah, it makes me feel good, but when the 5 minutes are over I'm back to my usual self-hating personality. I suppose I could extend the 5 minutes to a longer part of my day, but that's not very realistic. I have a lot of stuff that I have to do that doesn't make me happy. I also have a lot of stuff that doesn't make me feel anything. I'm emotionally neutral on probably 95% of my school assignments. I also have a nagging thought in my head that if I can just fix everything that's wrong with me, I'll be happy because then I'll be perfect. I know that this will never happen, not because I'll never be happy, but because it's not possible to fix everything. Of course, this realization simply makes me more unhappy because I want to be happy so badly, and it seems like achieving happiness is never going to happen. I just want answers! I also kind of think that going on some sort of retreat would be helpful, but nothing religious, and definitely nothing in solitude.

I have real problems when I'm alone. I sob uncontrollably when I have to go back to Kent to pack up more of my apartment... partly because that whole situation feels like yet another failure in my life, and partly because I'm miserable when I'm alone. It's not that I'm afraid to be alone, it's more that I don't like the feeling of abandonment, even if I'm the one doing the abandoning. Honestly, that semester in Kent probably did more harm than good to my mental health. I've never experienced that kind of intense loneliness before. I was fine at UD when I lived on my own that last summer, probably because I had friends around. But Kent was just... awful. When I realized that there would be days on end where I wouldn't leave my apartment because I had no reason to, or that the only words I said out loud all day didn't happen until dinnertime when I called my mom, that's when the loneliness really hit me. Even the visits with my friends in Cleveland didn't help most of the time because I eventually had to go back to Kent, back to my empty apartment where the only company I had were my hamsters. Even though I'm alone sometimes here at home, I'm still much happier (relatively speaking, of course) here than in Kent. When people leave here, I know that they'll be back. When people would leave in Kent, I had no idea when I would see them again. Even if I do get lonely here (which hasn't happened) I have friends close by that I can call. I have family here too. I feel a tremendous pressure to be okay with being alone, really alone, without any friends, because I know in the back of my mind that someday I'll have to be open to moving away. More than once I've had the thought, "I wish I had a husband" just so I know that someday when the day comes that I'll have to leave Columbus, I'll have at least one friend with me.  And again, this whole loneliness thing feels like a failure and then I get stressed and unhappy.

Have I made myself sound crazy yet? I don't intend to, but I do want to get some of my thoughts across, in case anyone's been thinking that I'm acting like a crazy person. There is a reasoning behind my madness, it's just not something I'm super comfortable talking about in person. Believe me, it's taken me a long time to even admit half of this stuff to myself, admitting it to my friends and family may never happen, at least not verbally. The written word is a beautiful thing, and something we need to use more often... coming from a girl who has taken to blogging once a month. Hey, I'm not perfect.

~Christine

I feel it all

I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside


Ooh, I'll be the one to break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun


I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn't rest, I didn't stop
Did we fight or did we talk?


Ooh, I'll be the one to break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun


I love you more, I love you more
I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I wanna win the war


No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor


Stranded in the fog of words
Loved him like the winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away, fly away to what you wanna make

I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all, I feel it all

The wings are wide, the wings are wide

Wild card inside, wild card inside

Ooh, I'll be the one to break my heart

I'll be the one who'll break my heart

I'll be the one who'll break my heart

I'll end it, though you started it

The truth lies

The truth lied

No one knows

And lies divide

Lies divide

I'm pretty sure Feist crawled into my brain and wrote this song based on my life.

I feel so many things right now, it has to be classified as feeling it all. I'm still angry, still hurt, still feeling like an idiot for not seeing the truth sooner, but I also feel guilty. I said a lot of really awful things in my last entry, and even though I'm pretty sure that he'll never see them, there's always a chance he will. Some of it he probably needs to hear, and some of it he probably shouldn't. I've been feeling like I have to bottle everything in as well. I'm afraid that if I really express what I'm feeling, I'll get grief about it. As if having feelings is a bad thing. I have good reason to be afraid of this too. It's happened to me before, even when the judgement of other people wasn't wanted. It's so easy to criticize other people when you're not in their shoes.

I want to cry. But I can't. I don't think this situation is a good enough reason to cry, at least not in a way that other people would understand.

Why do I always have to be the one to end things? It makes me think that I can't have a healthy relationship with someone without sabotaging it. Or is it that the guys I pick just aren't strong enough to recognize when things aren't going well? Or do I act prematurely? I occasionally still wonder if I made the right decision when I dumped each of my previous exes. The only one who dumped me isn't exactly a shining example of Good Life Choices (he tried to sleep with two of my roommates in college) so he's no defense for the argument that the Dumper makes the best choices and has the best clarity. How are we supposed to know if we're making the right decisions when we break up with people?

What if I made a horrible mistake? What if he really was just busy and was waiting for me to take initiative to text? I waited over a week after not hearing from him to attempt to contact him. What he thought that meant that I had lost interest? For all I know, the second OkCupid profile could have been to avoid a certain wacko stalker who was also pressuring him on Facebook to join her charity. He's not exactly the type of guy who's confident around women. After all, it took him awhile to even ask me on a date. I never even gave him a chance to defend himself... I just went into attack mode. Oh god, I was so wrong.

What have I done?

~ Christine

I'm not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me

I think it's safe to say that I've been blindsided. I really did think that I could actually believe what was told to me by a guy, but instead every stereotype about men being pigs has been proven true once again.

Not once did I force him into sticking around. He chose that willingly. To me, this should be simple. If you like a girl, you continue talking to her. If you don't like her, you tell her that the feeling's gone and then you move on. You DON'T lead her on for almost five months and you DON'T act like a fucking coward and hide when the day before you were still texting about getting home from work. Which brings up another point: Why the hell would you text someone every single day telling them that you made it home from work? Especially when you're not in a relationship and you have no intention of being in a relationship? All that does is lead me on. Don't act like a boyfriend if you don't want to be one.

Want to know why you've spent the last four New Year's Eves alone? Because you don't communicate. Not because you're shy. Not because you seem to have it in your head that no one takes you seriously. Because I fucking took you way too seriously. No, it's as simple as you have no FUCKING clue how to talk to people. And don't even attempt to trick more women into thinking that you're a victimized, nerdy, shy guy. The only person victimizing you is you. So stop it. No woman wants to date a nonstop pity party. It's really not a hard concept. Get over yourself and be interested in the other person. Respond to questions with more than one word. Or if you're feeling really crazy, a follow-up question!

Now that I've been defriended (and I seriously doubt that this blog is actually being read by the person it's intended for), I feel safe in confessing a few things. First of all, as I've said before, I had zero interest in dating someone when you first messaged me. None. So go ahead and feel guilty because now I've spent the last five months of my life pining after someone who never even deserved my attention in the first place. Second, when I found you on Facebook, I thought you were retarded. Erm, "mentally disabled." Yup. Your pictures on OkCupid were SO misleading that when I saw your Facebook profile, I thought that Toby Keith was rubbing the head of some retarded kid who won a contest or got pity from a celebrity who needed a cause to back for better PR. So way to go, the suave guy wearing a fedora turned into the retarded kid earning pity from a washed-out celeb. Again, not what women want.

I think the part that bothers me the most in all of this is that you claimed to be an honest person who would always tell me the truth. I gave you so many chances to back out and say no, and you never took them. WHY THE FUCK NOT? I would have been mad and hurt, sure. But if you had just said back in November after our date that you weren't that interested (like I'm sure you weren't by then) I could have had the last two months of my life without you taking up mental space. You lied, and you led me on for months! Do you honestly think I want to look back at the first semester of grad school and see myself wasting hours on end texting and talking on the phone with someone who didn't even have the decency to be honest with me? By lying (and lying for so long), you are essentially telling me that I don't matter enough in your eyes to hear what you actually think. I WOULD HAVE FUCKING LISTENED TO YOU IF YOU WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING WORTHWHILE. But when the only thing you can talk about is a bunch of small talk, and we've "known" each other for five months, there's something wrong. At the five month mark, you're supposed to be swoony and adorable. Not creating a new secret profile on OkCupid. Do you think I wouldn't see it? I'm not an idiot. Which is why I don't care that I'm burning this bridge. I don't build bridges with lying assholes who have self confidence and communication issues.

~ Christine

I would have preferred a Gibbs-slap

My trunk of my car attempted to close on my head today. I was trying to be a nice person and drive my Grandma to her lunch with her sister-in-law and her cousin, and to deliver Christmas presents to her friends, and while I was loading the trunk with said presents, it came down on my head. As soon as it happened, I instantly knew that this was going to hurt for a long time. I kind of saw a flash and my ears rang, and then I'm pretty sure I swore a lot. I iced it for awhile, and my Grandma considered cancelling her lunch plans, but I felt so bad because she basically can't leave her house on her own during winter, and when else was she going to be able to do this? So I sucked it up and played chauffeur, but now I'm thinking that wasn't the best decision.

Since it happened, the pain's only gotten worse, and I keep closing my eyes, but there's no reason for me to fall asleep. I took Aleeve this morning for my jaw pain, so I couldn't take anything else until this evening, when I took ibuprofen. Then I found out that if you have a head or brain injury you should only take acetaminophen because ibuprofen can cause an increase in internal bleeding. Oops. I've been icing my head all afternoon and evening, and it's helped a little bit, but this evening the pain just keeps getting worse. Plus, I've become clumsier than usual. I spilled my glass of milk as I was coming upstairs tonight, and I'm not sure how. It wasn't very full, and not a lot spilled out, but it still managed to spread over 6 steps, plus me. Then I almost spilled it again with my blankets when I was getting into bed. Honestly, even typing this has been tricky. Playing Uno with my mom and brother basically stumped me. I kept forgetting the rules, like that it doesn't have to match the number, it can just match the color. I have lunch tomorrow with Liz, who I haven't seen since... Christmas last year? (Is that really right? Oh crap, that's a long time!) So there's no way I'm going to cancel, but I really don't know what to do if I can't think straight. Or if the pain hasn't gotten better.

Why is this happening five days before Christmas? Can't I just have a good Christmas this year? Please?

~ Christine

P.S. I'm STILL really pissed about the Christine O'Donnell jokes. For real, she didn't get elected. Now shut the fuck up and stop being bullies.

I haven't panicked in a day, so this is overdue

Today was a very, very long day. I can't even share half of the reasons why it was so long because I'm not entirely sure who reads this and who doesn't, but I'll share the other half.

I hate this damn InfoTech paper. I can't bring myself to concentrate on it for more than 30 minutes at a time. I really REALLY hate APA, and I hate that I'm probably going to awful on it because my professor is a hardass. Also, I just noticed tonight that the grading rubric has very little to do with content. Awesome. I hate it when professors think they can get away with barely reading the papers that us students spend hours writing. I'm just ready for it to be over with, but I'm making no progress on it at all.

I'm extremely worried about Tony and Ziva. They've been fighting more and more again in the past week, and I really don't want to separate them. I tried to separate them earlier tonight for a few minutes to see if it would cool their jets a little bit, but when I did, they both looked around their cages for the other one. It was so sad! But now that I've put them back together, they're fighting again. I really don't know what to do, other than shank the lady at PetSmart who said it was 100% okay to house same gender pairs together. I wish you could have hamsters fixed, but it's too dangerous on their tiny genitals. I got hamsters because they were supposed to be an easy pet that could keep me company, and when I wasn't around, they could keep each other company! Boy was I wrong. I don't even have the space in this shithole of an apartment to store two aquariums, besides that I don't have the extra money to buy another aquarium, food dish, water bottle, and wheel. I could just get a cage divider, but that really cuts down on their space. They're super active hammies as it is. Maybe if I just got a bigger cage? But if that doesn't work, then I'm really screwed. Ugh. Help!

I don't know what happened to the old me. I spent all summer working on myself (internally) and by the time I started grad school (woah, that line took me back to the old 3-D show I worked in at Cosi!) I was really happy with who I was. I was perfectly content to be the spinster librarian that I was in school to become. Besides, the reality is that in a year and a half when I graduate, I really do have to be willing to be able to move anywhere. And most guys probably wouldn't sacrifice their established careers to follow their girlfriend. I know I'm generalizing, but let's face it: men make more than women STILL and they tend to be valued more in the workplace STILL. Who would want to give that up for some girl? Anyway, I fully intended on not dating during grad school. I only kept my OkCupid profile open to talk to guys because Kent is boring, and I wasn't about to prevent something from happening if it did happen. But I didn't pursue. 99.9% of the guys who messaged me were losers. They were short, hairy, toothless wankers with kids and an ex-wife, and I wanted nothing to do with them. So on the one occasion that a normal, decent human being messaged me, I messaged back.

And then he texted.
And then he called.
And wonder of wonders he asked me out.
And then he cancelled.
And then I freaked out.
And then he reassured me that he was still interested.
And then I laid low.
And he still texted.
And called.
And then he asked me out again.
And I had already made plans.
And then he asked me out again.
And I said sure.
And we had a fantastic time together.
And then he continued to text.
And call.
And then I started to wonder if we would actually see each other again.
And he told me we would see each other again before I left for Christmas.
And I didn't bring it up again.
And then I did.
And he didn't have a good reason for not asking me out again.
And then I got really upset.

Does anyone else see where I'm confused? For once in my life, I did the ladylike thing and let the guy do the pursuing, and for awhile, it seemed like it was a good plan. But when he ALWAYS called me or texted me first, why bother putting forth an effort to call or text him? Twice, I've made it to dinnertime without hearing anything all day. Once was today, once was last Saturday. So on those two days, I made the effort. I really don't understand what's happened here. This has been going on since September! I can't help but wonder what would have happened if we went out in October like we had originally planned. Even though I wasn't looking for anyone else, I feel like I've been wasting my time. Getting to know someone new is hard work, especially when you're used to everyone in your group of friends already knowing all about you. I'm invested now, and I don't like that I might have thrown my money away. I made a promise to myself last weekend that if he didn't ask me out again before I leave this Friday, that I wouldn't have any more contact with him. I promised this only because I didn't think it would actually happen. And now it might. More than likely, it will. The weekend's essentially over. And while I'm not opposed to going out during the week, he seems to be. So... now what? My brain is saying, "Let him go! It's never going to happen!" but my heart is saying, "You still like him, and he must still like you too, or else he wouldn't call and text as much as he does."

Of course, this is all happening on a day that's already been long and stressful and exhausting, so choosing tonight to bring this up probably wasn't my best idea, but I was hoping that I'd get some kind of closure so I could dedicate all parts of my brain to this paper. Silly me, I forgot that when you rely on other people, they will inevitably let you down.

~ Christine

crankysaurus

I don't think I know how to be a positive person anymore. Today went from being kind of meh to an existential meltdown day. I woke up with a sinus headache, and even though I took all of the appropriate drugs (and then some), it still hasn't gone away. So I've resorted to beer.

It's no big surprise that I'm really unhappy here. I can't think of a single day since I've been in grad school that I was actually happy, unless I was at home or visiting Cleveland. I'm either miserable or just okay. Luckily, most of the time I'm okay, but I want more. I want the people at Kent to not being lying, rude, assholes. I want experience doing what I'm in school for. Maybe I'd understand cataloging better if I could actually practice it somewhere in the real world. I'm tired of being disappointed with most aspects of Kent. At this rate, I have no idea how I'm ever supposed to find a job after I graduate when I can't even find a low-paying library job. Plus, by being here, I'm racking up even more debt than I have from UD. I know it's a risk and it's one I needed to take because let's face it: a B.A. in Music is worthless, but I'm really starting to question if I made the right choice. The only thing that I find semi-enjoyable are my actual classes. Obviously, no class is perfect, and I complain about them sometimes, but overall I like them. I can't stand where I live. I didn't expect my building to be quite so... undergrad. I really think that as a 23 year old, I can manage without an RA. Or if we have an RA, at least have a good one! She's made no effort to get to know me, and that's a big problem. How am I supposed to go complain when people are doing body slams into the wall outside my door to someone who I've never met? She's sent a couple of emails, and I got a quality of life survey stuck under my door last week, and that's it. Either don't have an RA, or get an RA who will actually do their job.

For the time being, I'm going to wait things out. I'm hopeful that next semester might get better. I plan on reapplying for an assistantship for my second year, and I'm working on finding an internship for the summer, so at least I can have that experience under my belt. And I'm definitely moving off campus next year. I thought that maybe I could manage living here, but there's just no way I can do that and be happy. Things can't get any worse, right?

~ Christine

come alive on the driver's side

I had a scary experience Saturday night when I was driving back to Kent. I should preface this by saying that since I moved up here a couple of months ago, I've seen more drunk drivers on the road at night than I ever did in Columbus or Dayton. Just add that to list of reasons why I'm not a fan of northeast Ohio (along with the lack of Timmy Ho's!). Anyway, I was driving back on some two lane country road that I can never remember the numbers of, and as I was driving down a hill, a drunken idiot going the opposite direction veered into my lane. Have you ever gone head to head with another car? It's terrifying! I felt like I was moving in slow motion. I could see him coming at me, and all I could think of was, "Get out of his way!" So I did what any sane person would do: I got out of the way. I wound up driving on the opposite side of the road myself, and luckily the car that was behind Mr. (or Ms.) Drunk Driver saw what I was doing and slowed down so they wouldn't hit me. I thought about honking or flashing my brights, but considering how unpredictable this guy's behavior was already, I didn't want to take the chance that he'd jerk the wheel and wind up hitting me. I drew a picture in Paint to demonstrate what happened.

I have skills, I know.

I realize I got super lucky in this situation. If I hadn't reacted the way I had, who knows what could have happened. I might not even be writing this right now! I just don't want to take the chance of putting myself in that situation again, especially since this isn't the first time I've encountered a drunk driver on the roads up here. If I'm smart enough to know when I'm not sober and I can't drive home, I stay where I am. After Jackie's dad died, I take drunk driving VERY seriously. It's easy enough to die in a car accident when alcohol isn't involved; why risk it when things are even more dangerous when alcohol is involved? I don't know what it is about this area that causes so many people to drink and drive. Maybe the bartenders don't cut people off early enough. Maybe there aren't enough cab companies around to shuttle home the drunk people. Maybe people don't have the type of friends who won't let their friends drive home when they've been drinking. I don't really care what the reasons are. None of them are good enough, and after this heart-pounding experience, I'm probably going to end up spending the night at Hannah and Alex's (or wherever I am) more often, even if I'm sober. I value my own life too much to put it in the hands of some drunk idiot who can't tell what side of the road he should be driving on.

~ Christine

Them Bones

There's been a slew of bitches in my life lately, and even though I should be asleep so I can go to office hours tomorrow morning, I know I won't be able to sleep until I get this off of my chest.

Bitches I Have Bones to Pick With:

Bitch Number One:
I fail to understand the importance of keeping your whereabouts under wraps in a private message, only to announce to all of Facebook that you're enjoying your last night in Akron "with her". Stop being such a drama king. Say her fucking name, we all know the "her" you're talking about. And while you're at it, bragging about your conquests on Facebook isn't cool. I've kept my dating life private to this blog and a few close friends because I know you don't read this. So either be a mature adult and keep things under wraps (which I recommend doing anyway so you don't get the herpoly-erpolies from an undisclosed orifice on "her" body) or be entirely forthcoming with what/who/where you're doing it.

Bitch Number Two:
Look, I am all for people having lives outside of their romantic relationships. Believe me, I hate the girls who drown themselves in their boyfriends a là Twilight just as much as you do. But when the girl is your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, you've lost the right to judge. Especially when you're bashing her on Facebook on your boyfriend's wall! Seriously, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out your not-so-subtle jab at her Public Displays of Affection on Facebook. She's moved on past your boyfriend. So just be happy that she's out of your hair. And if you hate what she's doing to her current boyfriend (which really isn't any of your business in the first place) save for a private conversation with your boyfriend where she and the rest of your mutual friends won't see it.

Bitch Number Three:
Just go away. Seriously. We were never that close, and considering the only times we've spoken in the last five years have been you attacking me for anything from my political views, to a casual comment I made about relationships that wasn't even about you, I think it's overdue that I unfriend you. Please stop harassing me about why I unfriended you. If you have to ask, you don't deserve to know. I've been unfriended by people several times, but unlike you, I don't pester them about it a mere four days after they did it. In face, I don't pester them at all. If they don't want to be my friend, then they don't deserve my friendship. Grow a spine and get some self-esteem and some real friends. And this time, treat them with respect and care. Maybe they won't all abandon you this time.

*whew* I feel so much better!

Since you read my bitching (or I assume you did), I have a special treat: The (temporary) return of Naughty Haiku!

~ Christine

Christine O'Donnell is NOT me... really.

My name is special. It always has been. Since I was in third grade and Neil O'Donnell was a football player for the Steelers, I've known that my last name is kind of a big deal. Then Rosie O'Donnell popped onto the scene. She was irritating, and a loudmouth, and then she came out as a lesbian (shocker, right?). She's thankfully faded into the background over time. Next came Chris O'Donnell. Initially, I didn't care much about him. Now, I like him a lot on NCIS: LA, even though the show itself pales when compared to the original NCIS, but whatever, he's a decent guy.

About two and a half years ago, I Googled myself. We've all done it, and quite frankly, it's the smart thing to do in case you share a name with an ax murderer and you're trying to get a job. (I was actually given that advice at a job fair last fall.) Usually, my UD website would pop up when I typed my name in, but this time, a website for another Christine O'Donnell came up first. I was a little relieved because I hadn't updated my personal website in awhile. So I clicked on the link and looked through her page. I got that she was from somewhere on the East coast, and that her political views were the polar opposite of mine, but I pushed it aside, figuring that I wouldn't hear about her again.

Clearly, I was wrong. I found an email from my mom from the fall of 2008, telling me how she had found the other Christine O'Donnell's website. But this was old news to me, so I didn't think anything about it. She wasn't affiliated with my political party, and she wasn't from my state, so what's the big deal?

The big deal is that I'm sick of it. Maybe it wouldn't bug me so much if I didn't already go through years of being teased about "being related" to Rosie O'Donnell, or being called McDonald. Maybe if Christine O'Donnell wasn't completely crazy, and the media wouldn't have so much to pick on her about, I wouldn't be so bothered. Maybe if I didn't have to remember which businesses don't like the apostrophe and which require it for my name to show up in their database, I wouldn't care. But with all of those things combined, I do care, and it does bother me.

Unless your name is Sarah Palin, Monica Lewinsky, Hillary Clinton, or you share a name with any other scandalous (or publicly ridiculed) person, you don't know what this feels like. How would you like it if people hear your name and the first thing that comes to their mind is a woman who not only doesn't masturbate, but speaks publicly about the evils of masturbation. Or a woman who dabbled in witchcraft (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, media moguls!) and went into hiding for a week after that became public knowledge. Or a woman who went bankrupt, foreclosed on her house, and then used campaign funds to buy a condo? The next time you think about writing something about Christine O'Donnell on my Facebook page, or tweeting it, or emailing, or even telling me about it, I want you to think about your purpose. Are you telling me this to make me feel better about myself and my name? Or are you saying it to draw even more attention to someone who doesn't deserve all the attention she's received? Believe me, if there's something else that comes out in the news, I'll know about it. Come on now, I spend all day online. There's no way I could miss something about her. And if I want to know about it, I'll read it for myself. But sometimes I don't want to know. So please, let me be the one to decide what I do and do not know about Christine O'Donnell. Besides, I generally don't like to have other people spew political things my way... why would Christine O'Donnell be any different, just because we happen to have the same name? Stop writing about her on my wall. Stop the tweets. Stop the emails. Just stop.

~ Christine

boob tube

I'm back with more funness (or things to do at work... except I work at home while watching TV and drinking wine soooo...)!

The 30 Day TV Meme (what exactly is a meme anyway?):
Day 1: A show that should have never been cancelled
Easy. GILMORE GIRLS. I blame Amy Sherman-Palladino for the downfall of a fantastic show that ended entirely too soon.

Day 2: A show you wish more people were watching
Hmm... either Army Wives or Covert Affairs. I love both of these shows, but it seems like outside of a couple of friends and my family (at least as far as CA goes), not many other people watch them. Obviously there are people watching them... CA was renewed for a second season after like the 4th episode of the first season, but they're not people I know. So next summer when they both come back (fingers crossed on AW!), watch them!

Day 3: Your favorite new TV show (aired this season)
Well technically we're in between the end of the summer season and the beginning of the fall season, so I'll say Covert Affairs since that came out when I was on vacation, which by the way, it doesn't seem possible that that was almost 2 months ago, but it was.

Day 4: Your favorite show ever
NCIS. Hands. Down. This is another show that I just started watching a little over a year ago, but let me tell you, I've seen every episode at least twice, and most of them I've seen way more times than that, and if a show can keep my interest that strong in such a high concentrated amount. Let's face it, I get distracted easily, so the fact that NCIS has kept my attention so well is kind of a big deal.

Day 5: A show you hate
I realize I'm going to get flack for this, but I don't care. I really hate Grey's Anatomy. I think it went from a good hospital drama to a completely outrageous circus disguised as a hospital. Too many good actors have left the show for bullshit reasons, and it shows. Yes, having a season finale where numerous people randomly get shot gets a lot of attention, but if it was a good show, it would have gotten the same attention with something understated. No one gives a flying fig about the other episodes from the most recent season, and that's because they sucked.

Day 6: Favorite episode of your favorite TV show
This is mean! There isn't an episode I don't love. I guess if I had to pick one about the others, it would probably be Twisted Sister. I love how dedicated McGee is to his sister (and real-life step-sister... Don Bellasario keeps it in the family!) and of course, it's the big reveal of the book he's been working on in secret... probably because he "loosely" based all of the characters off of his co-workers. Whoops. Anyway, I like it because it's one of those turning-point episodes where we start to see that McGee isn't as green as he used to be.

Day 7: Least favorite episode of your favorite TV show
Another bad question! Probably Judgement Day Part 1&2. I know that Jenny was dying of something (rumors online speculated that it was muscular dystrophy) anyway, but I really hate how she was killed off of the show, and then they brought in Vance. I hate Vance a little less now than I did at the beginning of season 6, but I don't think it was fair what they did to Director Shepherd's character. She's actually an intelligent and competent woman in season 3 and most of season 4, but then in season 5 they turned into an obsessive maniac. Plus, I read online that Lauren Holly had no idea that she was being killed off of the show, and I think that's crappy. At least when Kate was killed off, Sasha Alexander wanted off of the show.

Day 8: A show everyone should watch
This may sound silly, but everyone needs to watch just one episode of 19 Kids and Counting. Even if you don't believe in the Duggar's policy regarding the number of their children, you can't deny that those kids are some of the most polite and well-behaved children out there. Go watch an old episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 and follow it immediately with an episode of 19 Kids and you'll see what I mean.

Day 9: Best scene ever
The scene from Friends where Rachel finds out that she's pregnant. I love love LOVE that Phoebe tricks her into thinking that she's not pregnant so she'll have clarity on what her thoughts on having a baby would be!  The look on Rachel's face when Phoebe tells her the truth is priceless... my bet is that they did that in one take.

Day 10: A show you thought you wouldn't like but ended up loving
*shifty eyes*... NCIS. You can ask my sister, when she first started watching it in the early part of last summer, I absolutely hated it. I think I only watched bits and pieces of the show, but other than Law & Order: SVU, I had never found a one hour crime drama that I liked. Now I'm hooked.

Day 11: A show that disappointed you
White Collar. On paper, I thought I would really like it, but I got bored after the first couple of episodes. I watched a few episodes this summer because my parents watch it, and I liked them okay, but I still expected more from that show.

Day 12: An episode you've watched more than 5 times
According to iTunes, I've watched Caged (from NCIS, of course) five times. It's the episode where McGee is held hostage in a woman's prison... I'm not surprised that I've watched it that much! Any McGee-centric episode is high on my list!

Day 13: Favorite childhood show
The first show that I remember being in love with was Full House. I actually cried when the last episode aired. I usually cry when the last episode of a show airs. But that was the first. I remember I got really irritated with Michelle and how she basically got to do her own thing when she was so young, but I loved DJ. Donna Jo was the shit. And of course, now I find Uncle Jesse foxy.

Day 14: Favorite male character
If it wasn't for the whole surprise daughter thing, I would have said Luke from Gilmore Girls, but he handled that whole situation so poorly and it destroyed his relationship with Lorelai, so scratch that. Probably Gibbs. He's a very complex person, and yet I feel like every time the writers bring in another dimension of his character, it makes sense. It's like, "Oh, why didn't I see that all along." I'm a big fan of consistency on TV shows, and NCIS does a really good job with that, especially with Gibbs.

Day 15: Favorite female character
Annie Walker on Covert Affairs. Even though the first season just wrapped, I feel like we know a lot about her character already, and she's one strong woman!

Day 16: Your guilty pleasure show
Keeping Up With the Kardashians/Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. No judging, you all have guilty shows too!

Day 17: Favorite mini series
I honestly can't think of an entire mini-series that I've watched.

Day 18: Favorite title sequence
NCIS! I love to dance to the music, and up until recently, they always update the clips. Even when Gibbs left at the end of season 3, when they had the credits for Mark Harmon on screen, the videos behind his name were of him on the beach in Mexico. Now that's dedication to consistency!

Day 19: Best TV show cast
I'm starting to feel like a broken record, but NCIS totally wins this one too. For one thing, the actors are all actually friends in real life. Pauley Perrette and Sean Murray are BIFFLES4LYFE, and when Lauren Holly first joined the cast, she rented a condo with Cote de Pablo (who also had just joined the show), Michael Weatherly, and Pauley Perrette. They were friggin' roomsicles! And even though Mark Harmon is always the one who get interviewed by the bigwigs, he makes a point to emphasize that NCIS is an ENSEMBLE show and that while his names comes first, without the other actors and behind-the-scenes crew, he would be nothing. Now that's love.

Day 20: Favorite kiss
Ross and Rachel in Central Perk. YOU KNOW THE ONE.

Totally just noticed that Rachel's wearing a ring on her left ring finger... what?

Day 21: Favorite ship
McAbby! I know it happened a long long time ago, but there's so much chemistry between them. Plus, they really get each other. Until Vance came around, the only person who really appreciated McGee's tech skills was Abby. And Abby gets jealous every time McGee dates someone new (who usually turns out to be a wack job, so good job for her having that kind of insight) which would be understandable right after they broke up sometime in season 2, but when she's still getting jealous 5 years later... SHE'S DRIFTING INTO RACHEL GREEN TERRITORY!

Day 22: Favorite series finale
I already covered how the ends of shows make me cry. So if I had to pick, I'd say Gilmore Girls. No, it wasn't perfect because Luke and Lorelai didn't get married, but Rory graduated and miraculously got a real-person job (with Obama!) so I feel like it ended in a good spot. Plus Richard actually tells Lorelai how proud he is of her for what she's done with her life and how she's raised Rory.

Day 23: Most annoying character
Meredith Grey. Look in the dictionary for "whiny self-absorbed bitch" and there's a picture of Meredith, I guarantee it.

Day 24: Best quote
From Army Wives: The mind plays tricks on us at times like this. It has to. We need it to. It's how we're able to power on and do what needs to be done. Even something as mundane as doing the dishes that are piling up in the sink, or going out, getting up and doing what needs to be done for your loved ones. The future doesn't stop. We all search for strength on that first day or two. I did. But whether what I found was true strength or some part of our DNA that makes us want to reach out and help, I don't know. Times like this we question our own strength, our ability to hang on and not crumble. It's one of the things I admire most about the army wives I've met. Must be a military thing- this capacity to press on despite the obstacles, to see a mission through to its completion. No matter what happens that makes us question the world we live in, life goes on, as cliché as that sounds. One generation passes the baton to the next generation and the cycle of life continues. Regeneration- life renewed. What is it that the poets keep trying to hammer into our heads? Winter becomes spring, night becomes day, as one wave crashes onto the shore and disappears, another one appears behind it, and another and another. I guess we humans just plain want to stick around. The ride must be worth the price of admission. And it's not in us to give up hope, even when any reason for hope has dwindled to almost nothing. This communal spirit, this crazy insistence that we all are connected in each other's caretaker, it keeps us from sinking into despair, or sliding into the abyss. What is it about the human touch- holding a loved one close and feeling their warmth, their heartbeat. I mean this is the Army and frequently our loved ones are far away. But their warmth doesn't have to be. At times it feels totally random. It's roll of the dice on who lives and who dies. At some point words fail us and we're left with silence. Silence and time. I read something once, to live in hears you leave behind, is not to die. I don't know what each of you is going to do today, but now is the time to tell those you love, that you love them. Like we loved Amanda and she lives in our hearts still, and will never be forgotten. Me, I think I'm going to pick up my kids up and take that ride down to the ocean like they wanted. The water's beautiful this time of the year. Besides, they know where the gold starfish are.

Just rereading that made me teary-eyed. Good stuff.

Day 25: A show you plan on watching, old or new
I really want to watch Rissoli and Isles, even though the summer season ended. But I want to see what Sasha Alexander is like in a major role that isn't Kate. And she plays a medical examiner!

Day 26: OMG WTF? Season finale
NCIS always ends their seasons with a bang. Let's review:
Season 1: Kate was taken hostage by Ari, and Ari attempts to shoot down Marine One.
Season 2: Kate gets sniped by Ari, after taking a bullet to save Gibbs when the team is trying to prevent Ari from launching a guided missile at a Navy ship returning home.
Season 3: Gibbs gets blown up on a merchant ship, suffers memory loss and thinks he's still fighting in Desert Storm, and ultimately retires to Mexico to live with Mike Franks.
Season 4: Tony's car gets blown up while NCIS is watching in MTAC and thinks he was in it when they find his badge, gun, and cell phone in with the charred remains. Director Shepherd finds evidence that her father, who allegedly killed himself years earlier, is in fact still alive.
Season 5: Director Shepherd, Tony, and Ziva attend the funeral of another NCIS agent in LA, while Jenny discovers that her cover may have been blown on an undercover op years earlier, and now that person is killing off people involved in that mission; first the agent whose funeral they went to, then Jenny, and eventually Gibbs (but the last never happens, thankfully). Vance becomes the new director of NCIS, and he splits up Team Gibbs, sending Tony to be an Agent Afloat, Ziva back to Israel, and McGee to the Cybercrime unit.
Season 6: Tony kills Ziva's boyfriend (and Mossad partner), and Ziva's apartment gets blown up. Ziva permanently moves back to Israel, until her father sends her on a mission that ultimately ends with her being held prisoner in Somalia.
Season 7: The members of the drug cartel that Gibbs killed the leader of years earlier (because he killed Gibbs' wife and young daughter) are now after Gibbs, and go around trying to kill the people Gibbs holds nearest and dearest. The show ends with the cartel woman going into Gibbs' father's shop and flipping the sign on the door to closed. Creepy.

Day 27: Best pilot episode
Covert Affairs! I was completely hooked on the first episode, so much that I watched it 3 times in less than 48 hours, and part of that time I was traveling.

Day 28: First TV show obsession
In more recent years, Gilmore Girls. I don't know if I was really obsessed with Full House because I was so little, but that may have been the actual first.

Day 29: Current TV show obsession
I'm not even answering this. If you can't figure that out by reading this survey, you're dumber than I thought.

Day 30: Saddest character death
When I watch the episodes after Kate's death on NCIS, I cry more than I do when Jenny died. Jenny's death was handled very differently. It was basically swept under the rug... and then her house was lit on fire. Kate's death was very public. We got to see each of the team's thoughts around her death, and how they all reacted. Like when Tony starts to pick on McGee (like usual) when McGee makes some stupid comment about how Kate probably doesn't look that bad from the front because of the type of bullet used to shoot her in the head, and then McGee asks Tony to stop because he just can't handle that kind of criticism that day, and Tony actually stops. It's one of the few times we get to see Tony respect McGee. And when "Kate" scolds Gibbs for being late to her funeral, even thought it's such a sad moment, it makes me smile a little bit because it's very ... Kate.

Okay, that's all! Snaps to you if you read it!

~ Christine

food and other things that go "nom"

Let's get the Debbie Downer stuff out of the way first. By the way, I saw a Debbie Downer lookalike at MLIS orientation tonight. Back on topic!

I spent a good 25 minutes sifting through pictures on Facebook trying to finding a new profile picture. For some reason, lately I can't find I want to stick with for more than a couple days at a time. Oh well, it's my life. This search ended at the end of my junior year at UD and I have two questions to raise:

1. HOW did I gain so much weight between then and now? Even the first half of my senior year, I still looked damn good, even though I had gained a couple of pounds. I literally can't figure out what I did second semester that caused me to gain weight. I figured out this past year. It's a no brainer. Depression + eating my feelings + general lazyness and lack of motivation to get out of bed (and on really bad days, wear a bra, brush my hair, etc.) = lots of weight gain. That's not surprising. But the second half of senior year wasn't that awful in my memory. Sure, I totaled my car, but I got to see Bill a lot (and at that point he wasn't a smarmy asshole. Oh wait, the girl's the asshole! That's mean... but true) and I had fun with my friends. Maybe it was the stress of graduating and not knowing what I wanted to do? I have no clue.

2. HOW did I ever think that at that point in my life I was fat? I remember getting on the scale shortly before Christmas break and freaking out because I was getting close to that point where I'm not comfortable weighing that much. You know, we all have that weight. For some people it's 115 pounds. I hate those people. Anyway, I turned to Jen and said, "Jen, if I ever weigh XYZ again, I don't know what I'll do!" Lo and behold, shortly after Christmas I weighed myself again, and I weighed XYZ. Of course, now I weigh much more than that.

I just don't get it. From the middle of junior year until the middle of senior year, I held steady. Then from the middle of senior year until last August I held basically steady. And then this year I've been creeping up slowly, with little dips here and there. I'm reading this book called Health at Every Size and one of the arguments the author makes is that everyone has a setpoint for their weight. Basically it's what you naturally weigh when you're not trying to lose weight. I'm trying to convince myself that my setpoint is that weight I had from the middle of junior year until the middle of senior year. Once my crash diet/unintentional starvation from marching band season of junior year ended, I didn't try to lose weight. I just ate when I was hungry. I didn't work out. I just lived. In fact, I didn't start going to the RecPlex on a regular basis until the summer after senior year and it never really helped. I didn't gain weight, but I didn't lose any either. I'm just hoping that once I get back on a campus where I'm forced to move myself without a car and I can cook my own food and not buy crappy food, I'll get back to where I'm supposed to be. I mean, I get all of the reasons the author says regarding why it's actually negative to force yourself to try to lose weight, but she's also operating under the assumption that the weight you're at now is because of regular exercise and eating a healthy and balanced diet. In my case, it's totally not. Don't get me wrong, my mom tries. But when you live in a household where the food is determined on what your father will and can eat, and he refuses to eat most fruits and vegetables, it's limited. Also, the constant supply of cookies is awful. I bet all of you would be shocked (and horrified) if you looked in our pantry. We always have at least 3 types of cookies on hand because between my dad, brother, and usually my mom, there just has to be cookies. When I first moved back home, I ate them a lot more often, and always in amounts of threes. Then I realized that they weren't even filling, and quite honestly, store-bought cookies taste awful. If I'm going to eat a sugar packed cookie, I'm going to eat a good sugar packed cookie and eat something freshly baked, not packed with preservatives. Now, I rarely eat them, and I've started skipping an afternoon snack, or if I do have something, I eat just one cookie instead of three. And I never eat a snack before bed. I just have a glass of milk with my (now numerous) medicine.

Speaking of bed, I'm exhausted. I haven't driven that far in one day in a very long time and I have a full day of unpacking and repacking tomorrow. There was positive stuff, I swear, but it's going to have to wait for another day.

One last thing. I want to take this opportunity to remind you that you only get one opportunity to make a good first impression. For example, when you meet your girlfriend's lifelong best friends at a party for the first time and you spend most of the evening sitting there with your arms crossed, refusing to talk to anyone and being generally rude, they're going to remember you as "Grumpy Bill" even eight months later. So in short, don't be a jerk.

~ Christine

there's a drumming noise inside my head whenever you're around

I had a really screwy dream last night. I had a dream that I went to Bill's apartment to get my stuff back, and Laura had moved in with him, kind of. It was more of an unofficial thing, like how I essentially moved in the first summer we were dating, but a lot of my stuff was still in my room in Stuart. Anyway, I tried to talk to Bill about when I could get my stuff back, and Laura kept interrupting me with the stupidest stuff. I wanted to smack her. First of all, I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible, and if she kept interrupting me, then that just prolonged my visit. Plus, I could tell she wanted me out of there too, probably so she could go back to sleeping all day long. Anyway, Bill was really rude to me, and he wouldn't give me a straight answer. Finally, I had to scream at him that the computer was mine and if he wasn't going to give it back I would have to go to the police. Then he threw me up against the wall and held me there by my neck. I was so terrified! In the time we dated, Bill would get mad sometimes, and it always bothered me a bit, but he never EVER was violent to me. He would usually go off by himself if he was upset with me (which led to the time that I had to drive from UD to the Graeter's in Oakwood to pick him up in a huge thunderstorm... not fun) or if he was upset with something else (usually soccer or Laura) he would sulk. But he never did anything violent towards me. So there I am, dangling, and Laura announces that she's going to take a shower. Awkward. Whatever. It's not like I expected the bitch to help me out, but in times of crisis, what happened to sister solidarity? Bill realized that he was starting to choke me, and he let me down. Then he walked into his room, and I followed, assuming that now I would get my computer back. Instead he pulled out of a box of notes that Laura had written him when they had dated while she was in high school and he started kissing the paper. It was really weird. Then he pulled out a box of mementos from when we dated and he started ripping them up. That really bothered me. So I yelled at him to stop, but he couldn't hear me. So I'm upset, Bill's ripping up stuff, and Laura's still showering. At this point, I just want to leave. I head to the door and Bill calls out for me to come back. Then Laura emerges from the shower and Bill kicks her out for the rest of the day. I'm not really sure why. He claims that she's late for work, but I don't understand why should would have a job in Vandalia when she's in school in Akron. Then Bill takes me by the hand and sits me down on the couch. He asks me to stay the night, and I don't say anything for a long time. Finally, I look at him and I ask him if he's had sex with Laura. He doesn't say anything, but he looks sheepish. So I get up and leave. Then I woke up.

I'm nobody's sloppy seconds. I really hate myself for having this kind of a dream. I just don't know what brought it on. I'm so much happier with myself now, and everyone can see it. My grandma told me last week when I visited her to pick up her bird that she has seen a huge change in me in the last few months. I'm finally happy with myself. I have a direction in my life, and it's something I chose for me, not because it makes someone else happy. So what's the deal? Why can't my subconscious just let go?

In other news, my blood pressure has been normal every day since my appointment last week. So as long as my bloodwork comes back okay, I'm hopeful that there's nothing wrong with me. My headache finally went away yesterday, thanks to a lot of sleep! But today I have a lot of pressure behind my eyes and in the bridge of my nose. I swear, there's something up with my sinuses.

I've been obsessing over bunnies recently. I spent a good portion of an afternoon reading all of the articles on the House Rabbit Society's website, and yesterday at Border's I impulsively bought the second edition of Rabbits for Dummies. I've even picked out a breed I would like, and I picked out a name, but that's a secret until I actually get a bunny. I did the responsible adult thing and I made an Excel spreadsheet of costs and expenses. I've decided I want to try to find a shelter bunny as opposed to going to a breeder. Shelters spay and neuter their bunnies automatically (bunnies can start reproducing as early as 4 months old!) so that would be a cost that I wouldn't have to deal with down the road. Plus, I wouldn't run the risk of losing my bunny in surgery, like my friend Jacki's bunny. The only problem with a shelter bunny is that many shelters require proof from where you're living that you can have a rabbit, or they require a home visit. I suppose I could lie and say that the bunny would live at my parent's house... because next summer it probably would. But I feel bad about lying. And once I get to my apartment at Kent, I'm going to have to investigate the likelihood of smuggling in an animal. I miss living in a house at UD. Having a zoo there was so easy! In any case, I'm not going to get a rabbit until the following things happen:

1. I save up enough money to buy all of the supplies on my list, including toys, food, etc.
2. I find a suitable way to sneak the rabbit in. The last thing I want is to get a rabbit and then have to send the poor thing to live with my parents.
3. Bandcoming is over. There's no point in getting a bunny and then leaving for a weekend of drunken debauchery.

Ew. When did I turn into an adult?

~ Christine

I'm not cocky, I just love myself... BITCH

- Sometimes when I stumble, I listen to Christina Aguilera and I feel instantly better about myself.
- The "Bun Bun Bunny Bun" video never fails to make me smile. Ditto for "Shopping Penguin".
- The website I used last summer and fall to watch back episodes of NCIS and Army Wives no longer links to active websites that host videos... at least not in the US. Not even Megavideo. Damn government. I mean, I get it and all, but there needs to be more showings of TV shows on air currently. USA replays the same group of about 60 episodes of NCIS. Not cool.
- I'm still waiting for the season 8 season pass of NCIS to come out on iTunes. Like hell am I going to pay over $50 at the end of the season!
- I have had a constant headache all day. Usually I'm the girl who's begging for the TV to be louder, and for once I was the one who would steal the remote and turn the volume down. I'm being forced into going to the doctor tomorrow without insurance. Thanks parents (and I mean that genuinely. I take crappy care of myself sometimes)!
- We got a phone call about an hour ago (from Boeing, which threw me for a loop) from my cousin Joe, telling us that our Tante Vina had passed away about an hour ago. For anyone who cares, Tante Vina was my Uncle Joe's first wife. He was the one who passed away when I was in Europe and my family didn't tell me until several days after I got home. Anyway, I haven't seen Tante Vina in years. She's been sick, and everytime there was a memorial service for my Uncle Joe, I couldn't make it. But she's always stayed in touch with my family, especially my Grandma, and she always sent us cards and little gifts for our birthdays and graduations. August as a month in general is just a shitty month. NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO DIE IN AUGUST. EVER.
- Oh wow... I'm starting to feel sleepy. I'm going to take advantage of this rare opportunity and say goodnight!

~ Christine

the brain, the brain, the center of the chain

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. Naturally, writing while staring at a bright computer screen will help. I tried laying down in complete darkness, and that did nothing, so you never know.

Today/yesterday (by the time I finish, it'll be after midnight) was the one year anniversary of when my Grandpa passed away. It's been a weird day. I cried a little bit last night when I got home from spending a really awesome day with my friends. I've just felt ill all day. I've had a horrible sinus headache, and I'm so tired. I slept this afternoon for over 2 1/2 hours, even though I got 7 hours of sleep last night. My family has been on edge somewhat too. It's like we all tried so hard to not be bitchy today, but it just didn't work out, and we ended up being bitchy. Plus Katie leaves for Case Western soon, and my parents are desperately trying to get their new van, but the people at Kia are being shady. So basically, everything that causes people in my family to be bitchy, happened today. It's been really... awesome.

OH. And at lunch today, my mom and I watched the first episode of Say Yes To The Dress: Atlanta, and the one family was all "Southern matriarch attitude" and the grandma did not like a SINGLE dress her granddaughter tried on. Then the bride comes out in this beautiful trumpet skirt gown with sparkles and it was so gorgeous and the grandma approved (finally). The consultant then turns to the family and tells them that while she was in the dressing room, the bride said that she picked out that specific dress because she knew in her heart that her grandpa would have loved it and he had promised her that he would be at her wedding and he would dance with her. He died in September, and her wedding is in March, so this was probably sometime in October or November. Well, at that, her whole Southern matriarch brood breaks down in tears! The mother is sobbing, the bride is sobbing, I honestly thought they would have to call an ambulance for the grandmother, she was so upset. And in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "FUCK FUCK FUCK WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS SPECIFIC EPISODE TODAY OF ALL DAYS?"

It was like the time last fall that Mom and I went to see a movie to de-stress after all of the post-funeral business was done, and the movie we picked on a whim happened to be about a guy who does grief counseling because he feels guilty that his wife was killed in a car accident when he was driving. Why do my mom and I do this to ourselves? I wanted to watch a movie tonight, but almost everything I own has something to do with death, or it reminds me of something that makes me sad, or both, so do you know what I wound up watching? Head Over Heels. That's right. The awful Freddie Prinze Jr. movie from 2001 about a bunch of models who think that FPJ is a killer. I really don't understand me. When I'm sad, I turn to violent crimes to feel better. Let's all reflect on my "Summer of NCIS" last summer where I watched all 6 seasons of NCIS in about 6 weeks while working, finishing up classes, moving home, and of course, going to funerals. My family thinks I'm strange because I bought a book about people who have died while visiting the Grand Canyon. So I can be morbid... I'm not goth (although I might be Abby for Halloween... the jury's still out on this one) and it makes me feel better. Not happy, but not sadder.

I think I'm going to go watch some NCIS now. Maybe a Gibbs-slap will get rid of this awful headache.

~ Christine

smatterings

You how you reach that certain level of drunk and you can hear everything really well? Not like a hangover where everything is fucking loud, but just drunk enough to be extremely aware of everything you hear. That's the point that I'm at in my cold. I'm not normally a loud eater, but now I can hear the food in my mouth crunching. It's a very odd feeling. Try this: Close your mouth and flick your tongue on the roof of your mouth (or your soft palate, if you're that talented). Typically, that sound should be pretty soft. For me, it sounds like footsteps. I'd rather be drunk.

I've discovered that this map business is a double edged sword. It's awesome because I get to see where the people who look at my blog generally live. But it doesn't get very specific about their location (I definitely live in Worthington, not Columbus) and it doesn't tell me who looks at it. Like the Columbus entries are basically anyone who lives in Franklin county. Not so helpful. Thank goodness it's pretty. I still want to know who in Grand Rapids and who in Chicago has been reading this. Come on people, show yourselves!

I'm in an angry-ish place. Bill finally pissed me off. Remember when I was feeling guilty for breaking up with him? Those feelings are completely gone now! He's been such an asshole to me recently, I don't care what he does to mess up his life any more than he already has. It's interesting... right after we broke up, I got a variety of responses. Some people were like, "Oh no! What happened?" and others were like, "Oh thank goodness you got rid of him!" One of my friends actually told me that he was glad that I stopped dating Bill because he thought I was settling. Several people told me that the whole time we were dating too. I didn't think it at the time, and I got really upset with those people, but now I'm starting to see that they're right. It wasn't even a hard thing to change for him to reach my level. All he had to do was have some semblance of social skills and make some friends. We even went to see I Love You Man when were went hiking in the Rockies last spring break. I hoped that he would get the hint, but no. It's just not normal for people to not have friends. Think about it. If a person has no friends, that means that no one takes an interest in them and that they don't take an interest in what other people do and say. That's the foundation of a romantic relationship! Anyway, now he's being incredibly mean and claiming that he was going to dump me before I dumped him. Right. New flash: When you're sobbing as your girlfriend dumps you, and your exact words are, "I thought we were getting better" you're not planning on dumping anyone. Sorry, but he cried too much for me to believe that. I hate it when guys cry, especially if I'm the cause of it. I don't care if you cry during Marley & Me; that shows that you have a soul. But crying over your failed relationship when it was mostly your fault to begin with? Where are your cajones?

I'm really tired of being at home. I've trained my body to expect to leave after being home for about a week, but this time I won't leave until August 29th. Yup. I finally got my move-in information for grad school! I have orientation on the 23rd, and my first class is on the 31st. It should be on the 30th, but I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It makes me a little nervous that I have 3 classes and I'm only actually in class for about 5 hours in a week. One of my classes is an online class, but still... that's not a lot of time. And it probably means that I'm going to have a shit ton of work outside of class. So right now my weekends start on Thursdays after 5, and they run until Tuesdays at about 2ish. I didn't get an assistantship (Boo!) and as of right now, all of the jobs at the campus libraries are full, but I'm applying to work as a page in the library of the town ten minutes east of campus. It's not far, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to work through my fear of driving on winter roads before snow hits. I hate snow. Anyway, it's not much, but it's enough to pay for groceries and get me out of my apartment a little bit. I may try to pick up a campus job along the way too. Or maybe look into babysitting. Who knows!

I feel like this post is a marathon, but I've had a lot of time lately to sit around and think up things to say.

Since I lost my dental insurance in March, I've become increasingly more attentive to my teeth. I am super vigorous when it comes to brushing, and I spend tons of time on my gum line. I have a problem where I grind my teeth. In my sleep, when I'm stressed, when I'm driving, if I'm watching an intense episode of NCIS, it doesn't matter. I technically have a mouth guard I'm supposed to wear, but just like my retainer, I gave up on that after 6 months. I'm not even sure where it is now. I know it spent all of my senior year of college in the medicine cabinet in our bathroom, and I know I brought it home, but I haven't seen it since last summer. Anyway, when you grind your teeth, it's basically like you're pushing your teeth back into your gums, and it causes your gums to become inflamed and puffy. Try this: Take a mini marshmallow and a semi-sweet morsel like you would use to make chocolate chip cookies. Flip the morsel over so the pointy side is down and try to stick it into the marshmallow. BADA-BING! One inflamed gum line! Luckily, if I think about not grinding my teeth, I can control it, but that's not helpful when I sleep. This is where my magical friend mouthwash comes in. After fighting with my dentist over this problem for months (he kept insisting I wasn't brushing... I was, the puffiness was from my teeth being stupid), he caved and gave me prescription strength mouthwash. My next appointment all of the puffiness was gone. MAGIC! So now I'm an avid mouthwash user. This is why I had such a dilemma about whether or not to bring my mouthwash on the Western trip.

And I just wrote a long paragraph about my teeth. This is why I can't spend too much time in one place.

If you're looking for a laugh, or you just want to be creeped out, look through the personals ads on Craiglist. One guy I saw today bragged that he had a full time job, a car, an ex-wife, and a four-year-old son. Seriously. That's all he's bringing to the table? The novelty of owning your own car wears off for most people in the early part of college, and this guy was in his early 30s. Then again, he probably never went to college, and therefore missed that mark. Interesting observation: Most of the men seeking women posts in Columbus were from Grove City. Be ashamed of yourselves, Grovetucky!

Your best friend is not your girlfriend! (A cookie goes to whoever can tell me the artist and title for this lyric!)

~ Christine

on the inside, I'm just another angry woman

Hi.

So this has to be fairly short because I'm pretty sure my family wants to get to sleep and we're all in one hotel room. Let's just jump right into the thick of it then!

When I broke up with my ex, I did it for a reason. A reason I've covered already in this blog. If you recall, this particular reason was NOT for him to start hooking up with his previous ex again. Whatever the fuck "It's Complicated" means on Facebook to you... it means "fucking without commitment" to me. So that's what I'm taking this new relationship status of his to mean. So basically he's doing the WORST thing possible. I fucking HATE his ex... everything that was wrong in our relationship stemmed back to an issue she embedded in his brain before I came into the picture. For two FUCKING years I listened to him bitch and moan about what an awful girlfriend she was, how she treated him like shit, and this is how I get repaid? There aren't many people in the world who I would truly wish ill upon, but she is one of them. How he even found her remotely attractive is completely beyond me... I once found pictures of her online and showed them to some of my friends and they all laughed... one of them specifically said "Don't get between her and her cake!" Seriously this girl has absolutely ZERO good qualities... I liken her to Ursula from The Little Mermaid.

There is a moral to this story. If you're so insecure with yourself that you can't stand being alone for three months and you reunite with the person who brought out the worst in you, then you deserve whatever comes your way.

Also, I'm still completely in love with him and he won't even give me the time of day now. WHAT THE FUCK.

~ Christine

jetsetting!

Hi all,

This is the second time I've tried to write this, but I keep getting distracted. Anyway, I'm back! And I'm about to leave again! This time I'm off to SoCal with my family. It'll be fun... we haven't had a true blue family vacay since the Boston Debacle of 2008 in Which Katie Became Very Ill and We Spent a Day of Our Trip in the Hospital. I'm not counting last year's trip as a real family vacation, although we did see (more) family, but it was just for a weekend.

There have been a lot of things bothering me recently. A lot of people in my life are changing and I don't like it. Personality traits that I used to admire are quickly being replaced with unappealing traits and I'm starting to feel like the number of good people is shrinking. Other people are making bad choices that I can't do anything about and I hate it. Honestly, this vacation could not have come at a better time. I need time away from almost all of the people in my life, and if I force myself to be around people when I don't want to be, I will destroy my relationships with them.

And now... quotes!

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."

"You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you've ever made. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully."

"If you don't set a baseline standard for what you'll accept in life, you'll find it's easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes or a quality of life that's far below what you deserve."

- Anthony Robbins

In other news, I bought a new mouse for my computer that actually works 100% of the time... so yay!

OH! And this is really exciting for me and maybe 3 other people, but when we're flying tomorrow we get DirectTV on the headrests on the plane because we got some special ticket through Frontier AND one of the channels that we get is USA AND there's an NCIS marathon on all day tomorrow starting at 6 AM and we have a 6:30 AM flight! *wiggles*

I just turned on Sticky Keys on my lappy by accident. What the hell are Sticky Keys and couldn't they come up with a not so disgusting name for it?

~ Christine

I think it's time we fill the empty chair

I think I'm suffering from blogging burnout. I really didn't expect to not write anything for more than a week. Well, I'm back now! *evil laugh*

I am in a funk. I've decided that I hate almost all people, for a variety of reasons, but mostly because they're all stupid. And I don't want to be around them. Everyone just irritates me right now. I'm sick of people who think that they're being helpful, when they're actually just being giant pains-in-the-asses. I need to get away, and not with 70 youth exchange students. I've always wanted to go somewhere alone, and 2010 has to be the year for that to happen. I've decided. I don't know where I'm going, but it's going to be somewhere without bitches.

On that note, I am happy to be going on the Western Trip, but I don't feel as prepared as I was for the Eastern Trip. Probably because I've never done this trip, and there are many places that I've never been on this itinerary. I decided about a week before the Disney trip that I was going, but that wasn't a big deal because I've been to Disney World so many times. It's not even that I'm nervous, I'm just worried. Normally, I would be 100% gung-ho about it, which I was about a week ago. But I've been feeling so blah and down in the dumps lately, I just don't know if I have the mental stamina to survive a two week trip. I just have to shake off these bad feelings I've been having. 

This is one of those times that I really wish I was still in a relationship. I have so much more that I need to say, but can't write online, and I feel like no one else ever REALLY listens to me. I don't care who you are, or what you argue about this, no matter what, you've ignored me or put your needs before mine at some point (like I'm sure I've done to you too) and I need to be loved unconditionally. That hasn't happened yet. Anyway, I wish I was in a relationship because I need someone who will actually listen to me.

And now my fucking internet keeps crapping out on me, so who knows when I'll actually be able to post this. ARGH.

~Christine


EDIT: Double thanks goes out to my baby brother for resetting our router and therefore fixing the internet, and for chatting with me and saving me from going to my dark place. Now, I'm going back to watching NCIS, just to make sure that the dark place stays away.