Let's get the Debbie Downer stuff out of the way first. By the way, I saw a Debbie Downer lookalike at MLIS orientation tonight. Back on topic!
I spent a good 25 minutes sifting through pictures on Facebook trying to finding a new profile picture. For some reason, lately I can't find I want to stick with for more than a couple days at a time. Oh well, it's my life. This search ended at the end of my junior year at UD and I have two questions to raise:
1. HOW did I gain so much weight between then and now? Even the first half of my senior year, I still looked damn good, even though I had gained a couple of pounds. I literally can't figure out what I did second semester that caused me to gain weight. I figured out this past year. It's a no brainer. Depression + eating my feelings + general lazyness and lack of motivation to get out of bed (and on really bad days, wear a bra, brush my hair, etc.) = lots of weight gain. That's not surprising. But the second half of senior year wasn't that awful in my memory. Sure, I totaled my car, but I got to see Bill a lot (and at that point he wasn't a smarmy asshole. Oh wait, the girl's the asshole! That's mean... but true) and I had fun with my friends. Maybe it was the stress of graduating and not knowing what I wanted to do? I have no clue.
2. HOW did I ever think that at that point in my life I was fat? I remember getting on the scale shortly before Christmas break and freaking out because I was getting close to that point where I'm not comfortable weighing that much. You know, we all have that weight. For some people it's 115 pounds. I hate those people. Anyway, I turned to Jen and said, "Jen, if I ever weigh XYZ again, I don't know what I'll do!" Lo and behold, shortly after Christmas I weighed myself again, and I weighed XYZ. Of course, now I weigh much more than that.
I just don't get it. From the middle of junior year until the middle of senior year, I held steady. Then from the middle of senior year until last August I held basically steady. And then this year I've been creeping up slowly, with little dips here and there. I'm reading this book called Health at Every Size and one of the arguments the author makes is that everyone has a setpoint for their weight. Basically it's what you naturally weigh when you're not trying to lose weight. I'm trying to convince myself that my setpoint is that weight I had from the middle of junior year until the middle of senior year. Once my crash diet/unintentional starvation from marching band season of junior year ended, I didn't try to lose weight. I just ate when I was hungry. I didn't work out. I just lived. In fact, I didn't start going to the RecPlex on a regular basis until the summer after senior year and it never really helped. I didn't gain weight, but I didn't lose any either. I'm just hoping that once I get back on a campus where I'm forced to move myself without a car and I can cook my own food and not buy crappy food, I'll get back to where I'm supposed to be. I mean, I get all of the reasons the author says regarding why it's actually negative to force yourself to try to lose weight, but she's also operating under the assumption that the weight you're at now is because of regular exercise and eating a healthy and balanced diet. In my case, it's totally not. Don't get me wrong, my mom tries. But when you live in a household where the food is determined on what your father will and can eat, and he refuses to eat most fruits and vegetables, it's limited. Also, the constant supply of cookies is awful. I bet all of you would be shocked (and horrified) if you looked in our pantry. We always have at least 3 types of cookies on hand because between my dad, brother, and usually my mom, there just has to be cookies. When I first moved back home, I ate them a lot more often, and always in amounts of threes. Then I realized that they weren't even filling, and quite honestly, store-bought cookies taste awful. If I'm going to eat a sugar packed cookie, I'm going to eat a good sugar packed cookie and eat something freshly baked, not packed with preservatives. Now, I rarely eat them, and I've started skipping an afternoon snack, or if I do have something, I eat just one cookie instead of three. And I never eat a snack before bed. I just have a glass of milk with my (now numerous) medicine.
Speaking of bed, I'm exhausted. I haven't driven that far in one day in a very long time and I have a full day of unpacking and repacking tomorrow. There was positive stuff, I swear, but it's going to have to wait for another day.
One last thing. I want to take this opportunity to remind you that you only get one opportunity to make a good first impression. For example, when you meet your girlfriend's lifelong best friends at a party for the first time and you spend most of the evening sitting there with your arms crossed, refusing to talk to anyone and being generally rude, they're going to remember you as "Grumpy Bill" even eight months later. So in short, don't be a jerk.
~ Christine
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