check it off!

Christmas Break Goals:

- Go to Florida

- Get concussion

- Develop unexplainable ailment

- Celebrate a Christmas that's infinitely better than last year

- Watch The Big Bang Theory

- Suffer verbal abuse from family members

- Burn finger on hair straightener

- Apply for internships

- Work on project

- Buy books for next semester

Clearly, I've covered all of the important parts of break already. It would be unfair to say that my break hasn't been super awesome, because parts of it have been amazing, but other parts have been a smidge sucky. At least I haven't been harassed about my weight yet, right? 

A few weeks back when I was debating if I should transfer to Kent SLIS Columbus or not, I couldn't accurately explain why I wasn't keen on the idea. I tend to forget when I'm away from home for awhile that after about a week of being here, I go stir crazy (or just crazy) and I want to be on my own again. Now I can justify my thoughts behind staying in Kent for my second year of grad school. As much as I love my family, once I've tasted freedom, it's hard for me to go back. I don't know how I survived a whole year last year. Don't get me wrong, there have been some really awesome and fun times, and I really miss being at home when I'm away. But I can't be at home and be 100% happy. I'm not completely happy in Kent either, but I'm at least in my own space. I'm a very territorial person, and I like things to be my way. It drives me crazy that when I'm here, I can't ever feel like I can relax and have a lazy day where I don't have to do anything, because as soon as that thought crosses my mind, I have some errand to run. 

One of my goals for the past nine months has been to be selfish and put myself first. I've done a very good job of that. It's a little scary, actually. My mean streak is starting to come out again, but when I'm by myself, it's not a problem. I just don't give a damn about a lot of people anymore. People that I really should still care about, but if they're idiots, or cruel to me, or just irritating, I don't think twice about writing them off. When I'm at home, I'm forced to think about other people and work as a family, and it's kind of a struggle for me. I like being able to have my own space where I don't have to be bothered by other people. The hermit lifestyle suits me well, at least some of the time.

New topic: My love of nerds.

This isn't anything new. I'm fairly nerdy myself, and I really hate stupid people, so nerds and I get along well. What I wasn't expecting was to become sucked into a show about nerds. Yup. I'm talking about The Big Bang Theory. It's my new addiction. I guess it shouldn't be too surprising, considering this is me. What is surprising is that I think I was the last person in my family to get hooked on it, including my parents. I'm usually late to the party when it comes to TV shows, but I usually have the advantage over someone in my family. It always makes me wonder when I come across a show I love where I was for the last x amount of years when it was airing originally. Oh well. TBBT is nerdy and delicious, just how I like it.

~ Christine

I would have preferred a Gibbs-slap

My trunk of my car attempted to close on my head today. I was trying to be a nice person and drive my Grandma to her lunch with her sister-in-law and her cousin, and to deliver Christmas presents to her friends, and while I was loading the trunk with said presents, it came down on my head. As soon as it happened, I instantly knew that this was going to hurt for a long time. I kind of saw a flash and my ears rang, and then I'm pretty sure I swore a lot. I iced it for awhile, and my Grandma considered cancelling her lunch plans, but I felt so bad because she basically can't leave her house on her own during winter, and when else was she going to be able to do this? So I sucked it up and played chauffeur, but now I'm thinking that wasn't the best decision.

Since it happened, the pain's only gotten worse, and I keep closing my eyes, but there's no reason for me to fall asleep. I took Aleeve this morning for my jaw pain, so I couldn't take anything else until this evening, when I took ibuprofen. Then I found out that if you have a head or brain injury you should only take acetaminophen because ibuprofen can cause an increase in internal bleeding. Oops. I've been icing my head all afternoon and evening, and it's helped a little bit, but this evening the pain just keeps getting worse. Plus, I've become clumsier than usual. I spilled my glass of milk as I was coming upstairs tonight, and I'm not sure how. It wasn't very full, and not a lot spilled out, but it still managed to spread over 6 steps, plus me. Then I almost spilled it again with my blankets when I was getting into bed. Honestly, even typing this has been tricky. Playing Uno with my mom and brother basically stumped me. I kept forgetting the rules, like that it doesn't have to match the number, it can just match the color. I have lunch tomorrow with Liz, who I haven't seen since... Christmas last year? (Is that really right? Oh crap, that's a long time!) So there's no way I'm going to cancel, but I really don't know what to do if I can't think straight. Or if the pain hasn't gotten better.

Why is this happening five days before Christmas? Can't I just have a good Christmas this year? Please?

~ Christine

P.S. I'm STILL really pissed about the Christine O'Donnell jokes. For real, she didn't get elected. Now shut the fuck up and stop being bullies.

I haven't panicked in a day, so this is overdue

Today was a very, very long day. I can't even share half of the reasons why it was so long because I'm not entirely sure who reads this and who doesn't, but I'll share the other half.

I hate this damn InfoTech paper. I can't bring myself to concentrate on it for more than 30 minutes at a time. I really REALLY hate APA, and I hate that I'm probably going to awful on it because my professor is a hardass. Also, I just noticed tonight that the grading rubric has very little to do with content. Awesome. I hate it when professors think they can get away with barely reading the papers that us students spend hours writing. I'm just ready for it to be over with, but I'm making no progress on it at all.

I'm extremely worried about Tony and Ziva. They've been fighting more and more again in the past week, and I really don't want to separate them. I tried to separate them earlier tonight for a few minutes to see if it would cool their jets a little bit, but when I did, they both looked around their cages for the other one. It was so sad! But now that I've put them back together, they're fighting again. I really don't know what to do, other than shank the lady at PetSmart who said it was 100% okay to house same gender pairs together. I wish you could have hamsters fixed, but it's too dangerous on their tiny genitals. I got hamsters because they were supposed to be an easy pet that could keep me company, and when I wasn't around, they could keep each other company! Boy was I wrong. I don't even have the space in this shithole of an apartment to store two aquariums, besides that I don't have the extra money to buy another aquarium, food dish, water bottle, and wheel. I could just get a cage divider, but that really cuts down on their space. They're super active hammies as it is. Maybe if I just got a bigger cage? But if that doesn't work, then I'm really screwed. Ugh. Help!

I don't know what happened to the old me. I spent all summer working on myself (internally) and by the time I started grad school (woah, that line took me back to the old 3-D show I worked in at Cosi!) I was really happy with who I was. I was perfectly content to be the spinster librarian that I was in school to become. Besides, the reality is that in a year and a half when I graduate, I really do have to be willing to be able to move anywhere. And most guys probably wouldn't sacrifice their established careers to follow their girlfriend. I know I'm generalizing, but let's face it: men make more than women STILL and they tend to be valued more in the workplace STILL. Who would want to give that up for some girl? Anyway, I fully intended on not dating during grad school. I only kept my OkCupid profile open to talk to guys because Kent is boring, and I wasn't about to prevent something from happening if it did happen. But I didn't pursue. 99.9% of the guys who messaged me were losers. They were short, hairy, toothless wankers with kids and an ex-wife, and I wanted nothing to do with them. So on the one occasion that a normal, decent human being messaged me, I messaged back.

And then he texted.
And then he called.
And wonder of wonders he asked me out.
And then he cancelled.
And then I freaked out.
And then he reassured me that he was still interested.
And then I laid low.
And he still texted.
And called.
And then he asked me out again.
And I had already made plans.
And then he asked me out again.
And I said sure.
And we had a fantastic time together.
And then he continued to text.
And call.
And then I started to wonder if we would actually see each other again.
And he told me we would see each other again before I left for Christmas.
And I didn't bring it up again.
And then I did.
And he didn't have a good reason for not asking me out again.
And then I got really upset.

Does anyone else see where I'm confused? For once in my life, I did the ladylike thing and let the guy do the pursuing, and for awhile, it seemed like it was a good plan. But when he ALWAYS called me or texted me first, why bother putting forth an effort to call or text him? Twice, I've made it to dinnertime without hearing anything all day. Once was today, once was last Saturday. So on those two days, I made the effort. I really don't understand what's happened here. This has been going on since September! I can't help but wonder what would have happened if we went out in October like we had originally planned. Even though I wasn't looking for anyone else, I feel like I've been wasting my time. Getting to know someone new is hard work, especially when you're used to everyone in your group of friends already knowing all about you. I'm invested now, and I don't like that I might have thrown my money away. I made a promise to myself last weekend that if he didn't ask me out again before I leave this Friday, that I wouldn't have any more contact with him. I promised this only because I didn't think it would actually happen. And now it might. More than likely, it will. The weekend's essentially over. And while I'm not opposed to going out during the week, he seems to be. So... now what? My brain is saying, "Let him go! It's never going to happen!" but my heart is saying, "You still like him, and he must still like you too, or else he wouldn't call and text as much as he does."

Of course, this is all happening on a day that's already been long and stressful and exhausting, so choosing tonight to bring this up probably wasn't my best idea, but I was hoping that I'd get some kind of closure so I could dedicate all parts of my brain to this paper. Silly me, I forgot that when you rely on other people, they will inevitably let you down.

~ Christine

anticipation

I have one week left in this semester. That's all. One week. It feels like I have an eternity left, but I know that's only because I actually have something to look forward to. Being here has felt like a weird time warp. In a way, I can't believe the semester's already over, mostly because I feel like I should have made more friends by now, and I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things I still have to learn. I know I'm only a quarter of the way done, but I have no patience. I want to know everything right now! At the same time, this semester seemed exceptionally long compared to my semesters at UD. Again, this probably has to do with a lack of a social life. I haven't even filled up one album with pictures on Facebook. I don't know the last time that I wasn't able to take 200 pictures in 4 months. I'm a shutterbug, but you can only take so many pictures of your hamsters.

I was reading an article earlier today on The Frisky on how to beat the winter blues, and one of the things mentioned was to have more time with friends. Right now, that's not an issue. I hang out with friends from UD at least once a week, and usually more than that. But I'll be perfectly honest, I'm really worried about what's going to happen once the snow gets bad. It's something I've had in the back of my mind all semester, but I haven't paid much attention to it because I assumed I'd have some sort of revelation and figure it out. Well, I haven't had any moment of clarity. I know it's been two years since my car accident, but I'm still really nervous about driving in winter weather. I have problems with Cleveland drivers when the ground is dry! It's times like these I wish I could apparate.

I like a good challenge. I've decided this week to start cooking more of my meals, instead of being a slave to Lean Cuisine/Smart Ones/Stouffer's meals. Granted, I'm not doing anything fancy or really complicated. I don't have the space to be complicated. As it is, I had to bake my ham and cheese biscuits that I had for dinner tonight in two shifts because my oven and cookie sheet are too small. So far things are going well. It also helps that I've started having one beer with dinner every night. I think that's going to have to stop though. Beer is tasty, but it's also calories that yummy water doesn't have. So thanks, beer. It was fun while it lasted.

You've probably figured this out by now, but I'm fairly time-obsessed. I always have to know what time it is, and I'm very concerned with times in the future. It makes countdowns for things like the Disney Trip so much more exciting, but it also drags me down sometimes. For instance, if I've been looking forward to something and it doesn't happen, it just makes me so much more depressed than if I hadn't thought so much about it. I don't stay in the present very well. I'm constantly looking forward because it seems like the things that are going to happen are much better than what's actually happening. Unless, I'm in the middle of something that I've been looking forward to. Like this past summer when I was on the Western Trip, I rarely thought about my family vacation to California, unless I was explaining to someone how busy that month of my summer was. As far as the past few months go, I haven't had anything really big to look forward to, so I think that's why I'm especially excited for this year's Disney Trip. Once the Disney Trip ends, I'll probably start looking forward to the Eastern Trip. I'm not sure how I feel about Christmas yet this year, but if I decide to be excited for it, then I'll have a week to be excited for it too. After the Eastern Trip is over, I really don't know what to be excited about, but hopefully something (like an internship) will come along before I have to face that. My mom always jokes that I suffer from Post Party Letdown. Luckily, I haven't been disappointed by many things that I've looked forward to in the last year or so. It drives me crazy when people are just content with their current situation. You can see these people on Facebook all over the place. They're the ones who post things like "work, sleep, repeat. eff my life." I want to kick these people in the shins. You want to talk about a mundane daily life? I sit here and sing Disney songs to my hamsters! But I'm okay with that because I have something to look forward to. So if you are one of those "eff my life" types, I suggest you make your own excitement and give yourself something to look forward to. Chances are, you deserve it.

~ Christine

crankysaurus

I don't think I know how to be a positive person anymore. Today went from being kind of meh to an existential meltdown day. I woke up with a sinus headache, and even though I took all of the appropriate drugs (and then some), it still hasn't gone away. So I've resorted to beer.

It's no big surprise that I'm really unhappy here. I can't think of a single day since I've been in grad school that I was actually happy, unless I was at home or visiting Cleveland. I'm either miserable or just okay. Luckily, most of the time I'm okay, but I want more. I want the people at Kent to not being lying, rude, assholes. I want experience doing what I'm in school for. Maybe I'd understand cataloging better if I could actually practice it somewhere in the real world. I'm tired of being disappointed with most aspects of Kent. At this rate, I have no idea how I'm ever supposed to find a job after I graduate when I can't even find a low-paying library job. Plus, by being here, I'm racking up even more debt than I have from UD. I know it's a risk and it's one I needed to take because let's face it: a B.A. in Music is worthless, but I'm really starting to question if I made the right choice. The only thing that I find semi-enjoyable are my actual classes. Obviously, no class is perfect, and I complain about them sometimes, but overall I like them. I can't stand where I live. I didn't expect my building to be quite so... undergrad. I really think that as a 23 year old, I can manage without an RA. Or if we have an RA, at least have a good one! She's made no effort to get to know me, and that's a big problem. How am I supposed to go complain when people are doing body slams into the wall outside my door to someone who I've never met? She's sent a couple of emails, and I got a quality of life survey stuck under my door last week, and that's it. Either don't have an RA, or get an RA who will actually do their job.

For the time being, I'm going to wait things out. I'm hopeful that next semester might get better. I plan on reapplying for an assistantship for my second year, and I'm working on finding an internship for the summer, so at least I can have that experience under my belt. And I'm definitely moving off campus next year. I thought that maybe I could manage living here, but there's just no way I can do that and be happy. Things can't get any worse, right?

~ Christine