I haven't panicked in a day, so this is overdue

Today was a very, very long day. I can't even share half of the reasons why it was so long because I'm not entirely sure who reads this and who doesn't, but I'll share the other half.

I hate this damn InfoTech paper. I can't bring myself to concentrate on it for more than 30 minutes at a time. I really REALLY hate APA, and I hate that I'm probably going to awful on it because my professor is a hardass. Also, I just noticed tonight that the grading rubric has very little to do with content. Awesome. I hate it when professors think they can get away with barely reading the papers that us students spend hours writing. I'm just ready for it to be over with, but I'm making no progress on it at all.

I'm extremely worried about Tony and Ziva. They've been fighting more and more again in the past week, and I really don't want to separate them. I tried to separate them earlier tonight for a few minutes to see if it would cool their jets a little bit, but when I did, they both looked around their cages for the other one. It was so sad! But now that I've put them back together, they're fighting again. I really don't know what to do, other than shank the lady at PetSmart who said it was 100% okay to house same gender pairs together. I wish you could have hamsters fixed, but it's too dangerous on their tiny genitals. I got hamsters because they were supposed to be an easy pet that could keep me company, and when I wasn't around, they could keep each other company! Boy was I wrong. I don't even have the space in this shithole of an apartment to store two aquariums, besides that I don't have the extra money to buy another aquarium, food dish, water bottle, and wheel. I could just get a cage divider, but that really cuts down on their space. They're super active hammies as it is. Maybe if I just got a bigger cage? But if that doesn't work, then I'm really screwed. Ugh. Help!

I don't know what happened to the old me. I spent all summer working on myself (internally) and by the time I started grad school (woah, that line took me back to the old 3-D show I worked in at Cosi!) I was really happy with who I was. I was perfectly content to be the spinster librarian that I was in school to become. Besides, the reality is that in a year and a half when I graduate, I really do have to be willing to be able to move anywhere. And most guys probably wouldn't sacrifice their established careers to follow their girlfriend. I know I'm generalizing, but let's face it: men make more than women STILL and they tend to be valued more in the workplace STILL. Who would want to give that up for some girl? Anyway, I fully intended on not dating during grad school. I only kept my OkCupid profile open to talk to guys because Kent is boring, and I wasn't about to prevent something from happening if it did happen. But I didn't pursue. 99.9% of the guys who messaged me were losers. They were short, hairy, toothless wankers with kids and an ex-wife, and I wanted nothing to do with them. So on the one occasion that a normal, decent human being messaged me, I messaged back.

And then he texted.
And then he called.
And wonder of wonders he asked me out.
And then he cancelled.
And then I freaked out.
And then he reassured me that he was still interested.
And then I laid low.
And he still texted.
And called.
And then he asked me out again.
And I had already made plans.
And then he asked me out again.
And I said sure.
And we had a fantastic time together.
And then he continued to text.
And call.
And then I started to wonder if we would actually see each other again.
And he told me we would see each other again before I left for Christmas.
And I didn't bring it up again.
And then I did.
And he didn't have a good reason for not asking me out again.
And then I got really upset.

Does anyone else see where I'm confused? For once in my life, I did the ladylike thing and let the guy do the pursuing, and for awhile, it seemed like it was a good plan. But when he ALWAYS called me or texted me first, why bother putting forth an effort to call or text him? Twice, I've made it to dinnertime without hearing anything all day. Once was today, once was last Saturday. So on those two days, I made the effort. I really don't understand what's happened here. This has been going on since September! I can't help but wonder what would have happened if we went out in October like we had originally planned. Even though I wasn't looking for anyone else, I feel like I've been wasting my time. Getting to know someone new is hard work, especially when you're used to everyone in your group of friends already knowing all about you. I'm invested now, and I don't like that I might have thrown my money away. I made a promise to myself last weekend that if he didn't ask me out again before I leave this Friday, that I wouldn't have any more contact with him. I promised this only because I didn't think it would actually happen. And now it might. More than likely, it will. The weekend's essentially over. And while I'm not opposed to going out during the week, he seems to be. So... now what? My brain is saying, "Let him go! It's never going to happen!" but my heart is saying, "You still like him, and he must still like you too, or else he wouldn't call and text as much as he does."

Of course, this is all happening on a day that's already been long and stressful and exhausting, so choosing tonight to bring this up probably wasn't my best idea, but I was hoping that I'd get some kind of closure so I could dedicate all parts of my brain to this paper. Silly me, I forgot that when you rely on other people, they will inevitably let you down.

~ Christine

anticipation

I have one week left in this semester. That's all. One week. It feels like I have an eternity left, but I know that's only because I actually have something to look forward to. Being here has felt like a weird time warp. In a way, I can't believe the semester's already over, mostly because I feel like I should have made more friends by now, and I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things I still have to learn. I know I'm only a quarter of the way done, but I have no patience. I want to know everything right now! At the same time, this semester seemed exceptionally long compared to my semesters at UD. Again, this probably has to do with a lack of a social life. I haven't even filled up one album with pictures on Facebook. I don't know the last time that I wasn't able to take 200 pictures in 4 months. I'm a shutterbug, but you can only take so many pictures of your hamsters.

I was reading an article earlier today on The Frisky on how to beat the winter blues, and one of the things mentioned was to have more time with friends. Right now, that's not an issue. I hang out with friends from UD at least once a week, and usually more than that. But I'll be perfectly honest, I'm really worried about what's going to happen once the snow gets bad. It's something I've had in the back of my mind all semester, but I haven't paid much attention to it because I assumed I'd have some sort of revelation and figure it out. Well, I haven't had any moment of clarity. I know it's been two years since my car accident, but I'm still really nervous about driving in winter weather. I have problems with Cleveland drivers when the ground is dry! It's times like these I wish I could apparate.

I like a good challenge. I've decided this week to start cooking more of my meals, instead of being a slave to Lean Cuisine/Smart Ones/Stouffer's meals. Granted, I'm not doing anything fancy or really complicated. I don't have the space to be complicated. As it is, I had to bake my ham and cheese biscuits that I had for dinner tonight in two shifts because my oven and cookie sheet are too small. So far things are going well. It also helps that I've started having one beer with dinner every night. I think that's going to have to stop though. Beer is tasty, but it's also calories that yummy water doesn't have. So thanks, beer. It was fun while it lasted.

You've probably figured this out by now, but I'm fairly time-obsessed. I always have to know what time it is, and I'm very concerned with times in the future. It makes countdowns for things like the Disney Trip so much more exciting, but it also drags me down sometimes. For instance, if I've been looking forward to something and it doesn't happen, it just makes me so much more depressed than if I hadn't thought so much about it. I don't stay in the present very well. I'm constantly looking forward because it seems like the things that are going to happen are much better than what's actually happening. Unless, I'm in the middle of something that I've been looking forward to. Like this past summer when I was on the Western Trip, I rarely thought about my family vacation to California, unless I was explaining to someone how busy that month of my summer was. As far as the past few months go, I haven't had anything really big to look forward to, so I think that's why I'm especially excited for this year's Disney Trip. Once the Disney Trip ends, I'll probably start looking forward to the Eastern Trip. I'm not sure how I feel about Christmas yet this year, but if I decide to be excited for it, then I'll have a week to be excited for it too. After the Eastern Trip is over, I really don't know what to be excited about, but hopefully something (like an internship) will come along before I have to face that. My mom always jokes that I suffer from Post Party Letdown. Luckily, I haven't been disappointed by many things that I've looked forward to in the last year or so. It drives me crazy when people are just content with their current situation. You can see these people on Facebook all over the place. They're the ones who post things like "work, sleep, repeat. eff my life." I want to kick these people in the shins. You want to talk about a mundane daily life? I sit here and sing Disney songs to my hamsters! But I'm okay with that because I have something to look forward to. So if you are one of those "eff my life" types, I suggest you make your own excitement and give yourself something to look forward to. Chances are, you deserve it.

~ Christine

And Now For A Film From The Year Of My Birth...

This is what's keeping me entertained tonight:

It's strange... I've never seen Mark Harmon talk so much in a role... or be such a slacker!

Since I last wrote there have been some big changes in my life. I bought two Chinese Dwarf Hamsters last week. They're absolutely adorable and I named them Tony and Ziva. They're both girls, but when I talk to Tony, I refer to him as a male. I just can't emasculate DiNozzo that much. Anyway, here's a picture of them:

They're still scared of me most of the time. Ziva's especially skittish. Tony's always the first one to come investigate if they're both hiding from me in their bedding. But I've been able to hold both of them for a few minutes at a time and they've both groomed themselves (which hamsters only do when they feel completely safe) while I'm holding them. 

I've also acquired 14 new movies, plus Pirate Radio (I bought it the first week I was here), and two seasons of Full House. When I went to UD for Bandcoming, Second Time Around got a lot of my business. Then last weekend, Hannah and I went to Five Below, which is a trendy dollar store up here, and they had a $5 movie section, which is where I found Summer School and Borat. I've never seen Borat, but I watched it last night. It was interesting, but I'm glad I only spent $5 on it. 

Jackie and Brenda are coming up to visit this weekend! I'm really excited. I only had friends from home visit me twice in undergrad, and both times were for WGI. Plus, I really miss my friends and having a halfway decent social life. We're going to see the special screening of Beauty and the Beast, and then that night we're going up to Case Western to see Katie in The Most Fabulous Story Ever Told aka The Gay and Lesbian Adam and Eve Story. Then the next day we're going to the Akron Art Museum for a bit before Jackie and Brenda go back to Columbus. It's not a long visit, but it's better than nothing, and I'll be back home a couple of weeks later for the Circleville Pumpkin Show. 

~ Christine