My surgery time has been set. 11:15 AM on Friday. Which sucks big time because even though it's later, I still can't eat after midnight. I can drink water until 7:15 that morning, but after that, nothing at all. I'm super not excited. If I'm awake for more than about a half hour without eating, I start to get all hot and sweaty and queasy like I did most days around lunchtime last fall. So that morning's not going to be good, plus I'm planning on freaking out because I'm already freaking out now. More reason for nausea... yay!
I'm trying to stay fairly positive by reminding myself of the treats I have planned for myself. I have the 4th season of Army Wives on DVD now, and I bought mint chocolate fudge today. I'll probably wait a few days to attempt to eat that, though. Anesthesia either makes me vomit for days, or it doesn't work. Plus, I'll be lounging on the couch for at least a week, so I'll actually be able to catch up on TV. And I know it's selfish, but I'm not planning on sharing the TV. Sorry, but I was a very good girl for all three of my brother's recoveries last year (both knees and sinuses), so now it's my turn. Chances are, someday Katie will have her turn too.
Speaking of, I had an excellent conversation with my seester earlier. I tend to forget when she's at school how well we actually get along. Our sense of humor is nearly identical. It's a happy mix of quirky pop culture combined with sarcasm and a touch of sassiness. Anyway, we were discussing our trust issues and their similarities. I really hate how if you say, "TRUST ISSUES," people run away like you have the fucking plague. That's not helping the problem, that just adds fuel to the fire. We're both rather resistant to let people in to what we're thinking, at least initially. I know, I have two blogs (that I update regularly), plus Twitter and Facebook, so how can I possibly not let people in? Oh, it's true. What I say online barely scrapes the surface. Sometimes I'm more open than others, but even that's not 100% real. I'm not saying that I never tell people anything, it just takes more time for me to feel that I can trust them to not screw me over. Between the two of us, I'd say that I'm more open than she is, but I also feel that she has an easier time of making new friends. I can make new friends, but it's a longer process for me. Even people that I was incredibly close to at UD have drifted away from me, despite attempts to stay connected. So what's the point of investing my time in someone who won't last? I have friends who have lasted me for 18-19 years, and while not every one of those years have been perfect, I know that at the end of the day, they won't leave me. They're in it for the long haul, and I am eternally grateful for that. I've also been one of the lucky ones who have been able to develop a friendship relationship with family members, especially my parents and siblings. They're not leaving me either. Even when we've been scattered across Ohio because of school, we've still been able to maintain our relationships with each other. I trust them sometimes more than I trust myself. The problem is that it's basically impossible at the beginning stages of a friendship to determine who will last and who won't. Even after a friendship has lasted for several years, it can still crumble. I don't want to sound jaded, but it's true that you learn from your experiences, and my experiences have taught me that people who you think will stand by you can throw you under a bus. However, I've also seen friendships that I didn't think would last for very long surprise me and last for many years. How can you tell before you let people into your heart if they'll abandon you?
I think friendships were a million times easier to create when I was five.
~Christine
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