I'd like a do-over, please

I wrote an entry earlier about food. But then the interwebs broke and when I had to restart, it went away. Sad. Oh well, moving on.

I'm awake. I wish I wasn't. I should be asleep right now and battling whatever it is I have. I'm starting to think that the sinus infection I had last week never left, but no worries because pneumonia hasn't been ruled out officially- yet. The medicine I'm taking for Disease X (as I'm starting to think it should be called) won't allow me to take antacids while I'm on the antibiotic, so of course tonight I have heartburn and can't take any Tums. So I'm resorting to a large glass of milk. I don't know why this remedy works, but it does. Something about the calcium?

Soooo... I'm a hot mess. I don't know why I do this to myself, but I spent almost an hour tonight going through tagged pictures of myself on Facebook. I know, I'm a narcissist, but really, who isn't? Okay, who in America isn't? Back on topic... I'm completely disgusted with myself. I have really let myself go, even since the end of summer. There are still cute pictures of me from the last (and second...) workie party shortly before I moved home. But now... ick. I have no pride in myself anymore. I started off okay, working out when I could, skipping dessert, that sort of thing. But now I just don't care anymore. I haven't worked out since the Friday of Bandcoming, and granted, I've been sick a lot since then, but that's not really a valid excuse. The simple fact of the matter is that I can't think of the last time I liked myself. Not just physically, but emotionally. I got to pictures from graduation back in May, and I feel like I was looking at pictures of a completely different person. I had ambition back then, I felt like I had something to live for. And now, here I am just a few short months later, and I can barely stand myself. I KNOW I need to get a job, and I KNOW I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life, but I just don't want to. I don't want to leave my house. Even though sometimes it barely feels like home, it's all I have right now, so it'll have to do. Maybe if I had made more of an effort to move in back in August, it would help things now. I'm STILL living out of suitcases and laundry baskets. Gradually, some essentials have moved into my room, but generally, nothing here is from college. If I want anything from the past 4 years, I have to go digging for it in a box in the garage. I don't even have my printer set up. And the worst part is that I don't care. I have no desire to change anything. I would be perfectly happy if I could spend every day of the rest of my life sitting on the couch watching TV and playing The Sims 3. That's a really scary thought. I'm going to turn into one of those rednecks living in a bathrobe watching daytime TV. And I'd never thought I'd become someone like that! I used to know what I wanted. And now I just don't know. I thought I was doing the right thing by spending so much time at home, but I don't think that's the case anymore. I told my mom on Monday that I'm afraid to leave because I'm afraid that I'll miss out on something. It's a core part of who I am, and now it's a problem. Even when I was little, I never wanted to take naps because I could miss out on something while I was asleep. And now I don't want to turn my back for a second because if I do, someone else could die. I'm still really shaken up from losing Nana and Grandpa this summer. And my Grandma isn't handling life well. And my Papa was diagnosed with emphysema and lung cancer today. And I would say that if I lost anyone else, I would lose it completely, but the last time I said that, my Grandpa died, so let's not go there.

I apologize if you actually read that monstrocity of a paragraph. But if you didn't and you skimmed down to here, let me spare you the gory details.

1. I don't like how I look.
2. I have no motivation to do anything with my life.
3. I still miss my Nana and Grandpa.
4. I live in fear that someone else will leave me.
5. I may be insane.

Time to finish my milk.

~Christine