is someone getting the best of you?

I've taken to blogging as a form of procrastination. Probably not my smartest choice, but there are worse things.

Boston was awesome! It makes me wish that I had stuck it out with the Flyer Pep Band in college, but it's not like quitting FPB was my only mistake in college or anything. Anyway, seeing (some of) my UD friends was amazing, traveling was amazing, being in a band again was amazing, cheering on a really kickass team again was amazing; I wouldn't take back last weekend for anything. Except that now I'm actually drowning in schoolwork. It's rushing into my lungs and soon I won't be able to breathe. I'm not really known for getting stuff done super early, but I had to get stuff done early last week so I could go to Merrimack, and now I have to get stuff done early so I can go on the Eastern trip. I want my professors to stop assigning things that are due on Fridays. Also, I'm over busywork. I do the readings and listen to the lectures, I pinky swear. Just don't make me write an essay every single week proving that I did, plus keep up with a million discussion threads.

I'm supposed to be finding a way to make myself be happy for five minutes a day, and it's really not easy. I'm either stressed, busy, worried, or tired. Happy and relaxed simply aren't in my schedule anymore. One of my friends posted a link on Facebook to a website that played the sounds of the ocean while you looked at the picture of waves, and the idea was for you to not do anything for two minutes. On my first try, I lasted 4 seconds. The second try was better, but the anxiety of not doing anything was making me panic that I was wasting time. I just wish I could see that relaxing isn't a waste of time. This is totally a trait I picked up from my mom. She doesn't know how to relax, and I think it's finally rubbed off on me. It probably sounds like crazy talk, but I wish I could take a vacation from myself. Just break out of my body and be free for a little while, without worrying about getting school stuff done, or applying for jobs, figuring out my schedule, or any of the other millions of things I worry about on a daily basis. It's gotten to the point where I sit and envy Rosie because all he does is lay around, lick himself, and sometimes he hops around in fit of happiness. His biggest worry each day is what time he gets his dinner salad. Lucky bastard.

I wish I didn't have to sleep. Or eat. Or shower. Talk about time consuming. If I didn't sleep, eat, or shower, I'd save about 11 hours each day, assuming I eat a quick breakfast and lunch. Eleven hours. What would you do with eleven extra hours? I'd certainly be caught up on my school stuff then. I might even have time to be happy. Or find places for all of the stuff I brought back from Kent a couple of weeks ago. Or play Animal Crossing. Or reinstall The Sims 3. Or retrieve the rest of the music I lost when my hard drive crashed. Or do something because I want to, not because I have to, or because it's something that people expect me to do. I could laugh. I don't laugh very much anymore. It used to be a daily occurrence, but now it might be days between laughs. Who has time to think about funny things? I would make a specific list of everything I think and worry about, but I'm not sure what good that would do. It's not like writing it down makes it go away. They're still little thought nuggets, permanently ingrained in my brain.

I'm nice and tired now. At least while I fall asleep I still have the ability to think about all of the happy things I want, but they usually put me to sleep before I have a chance to enjoy them. Of course, once I'm asleep, I never dream about what I was thinking about while I was falling asleep. Usually it's something terrifying or bizarre. Rarely do I have good dreams. I wish I had more control over my subconscious thoughts. I'd dream of nothing but happiness every night if I could.

~ Christine