There needs to be more ways to say "Hello". I don't like starting entries like I am tonight, but I'm running out of creative ways to greet you all. I think I should create my own way to say hello. In my free time, I'll work on that... right.
Today I accidentally and unnecessarily brought up old skeletons. I honestly didn't mean to, but I was at a grad party, and the World Cup was on the TV, and one of my friends asked me if I was following the games. I answered truthfully and said that it was hard for me to watch soccer. Because it is. In fact, if the World Cup just went away for a little bit, that would be fantastic. So international sporting tournament, please pay attention to my emotional well-being in the future, thanks.
Naturally, this comment led into a discussion of what happened. Anyone who's been through a breakup will tell you that there are two stories regarding this. There's the story you tell people to get them to shut up and leave you alone, and then there's the truth. I'm still working on the truth, mostly because I'm not entirely sure what happened, how it happened, when it happened. But I have a rough idea, so I told her. No one's perfect, so when I say this next part, please know that I'm not claiming to be infallible. It was mostly his fault. When you stop caring about yourself, there's no way that you can properly care for another person. Even if your heart tells you that you love them, sometimes they need more than what you can give them. And when that happens, there's only two options. Either fix yourself so that you care about yourself again, or end things. Or in my situation, end things so that the other person can realize they need to fix themselves. I would be lying if I said that I didn't have my mental battles in the last year. But I'm working on it. With every day that passes, I'm learning to be a happier person. It's something I really have to work at. Yes, I still hurt, and I still miss my grandparents with an intensity that I didn't think I would ever have when someone died. But it's getting better. I know my problems and struggles, and now I know what to do to make them better. But when you don't even know what's wrong with you, there's absolutely no way to know how to make things better.
The worst part in all of this is that I've been lying. I thought I didn't love him anymore, but as I've thought about things in the last couple of months, I've realized that I loved him so much that I had to break up with him. I needed to let him learn about himself and find happiness again, just as I needed to find happiness again. Prior to us dating, he hadn't even been single for an entire month, and his previous relationship lasted some ungodly amount of time. So essentially the entire time he was in college, and some time afterwards, he was dating someone. When you've spent so much of that time in your life in a relationship, it's so easy to lose sight of who you are. So I'm using this time to relearn who I am, and I hope that he does too. I think it's silly to say that if you're in a relationship, you have no chance of knowing who you are. Let's face it, we never really know who we are because throughout our lives we're constantly changing and learning. And if you say that you don't want to be in a relationship until you know who you are 100%, you might as well accept that you're going to die alone. It's impossible to be completely self-actuated. Okay, maybe it's not impossible, but it is extremely rare. It's definitely something to strive for, but it's silly to put your life completely on hold. Part of knowing who you are is knowing who you are when you're with someone else.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm hurting. It's a necessary hurt, but I still miss him. Actually, I miss the old him. When I think about how incredibly happy we were at this time last year, it makes me so sad. I was looking for apartments and jobs in Denver, he had just told me he loved me. I really thought that nothing could go wrong. And then things started to crumble. He lost his Americorps placement in Denver, I lost my Nana, and then my Grandpa. Even though he got another placement in Dayton, I always knew that he missed Denver and his job out there. Heck, I even miss Denver. Loss always puts strain on relationships. It's just a matter of how much strain a relationship can take before it snaps in two. I'd like to believe that we fought for our relationship for a long time, but I don't know that I can honestly say that I fought as hard as I could have if I wasn't grieving. I really think that if only one of us was going through a rough patch, we could have made it. But I don't think I'll ever get to know that for sure. I just want things to go back to how they were a year ago, in so many ways. Mostly, I miss the old him.
~ Christine
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