It's 3 AM and I'm wide awake. I hate how I'm ready to go to bed at 7 PM, and then I get a second wind and end up staying up half the night for no real reason.
Anyway, tonight I watched an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker and it's sent me on a lovely tornado of self-loathing. Normally, I love the snark that Millionaire Matchmaker brings to my life, but on tonight's episode, one of the millionaires was pretty chubby. No biggie, right? Except that you could tell the guy was super embarrassed about it and for crying out loud, he own a multi-million dollar MUFFIN business! (I never thought I'd say those words.) Anyway, one of the potential mates that was selected for him was a gym bunny and she was selected because she said she'd make a heavy guy go to the gym with her. Um, what? Call me crazy, but if you love someone, you're not supposed to want to change them, and if you do want to change them, then you're never going to be in love. Relationships 101.
Of course, instead of reacting like a normal person and feeling horrified for this girl, I reacted like the insecure skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body I am. I've spent the last hour researching diets, fitness regimes, how to make certain body parts look skinnier than they are, and I even posted a question about which unattractive body part on a girl guys find least attractive. I measured my chest/waist too. I got too depressed by the numbers to even get to hips. I finally told two of my friends over the weekend what I weigh (only because one of them said her weight first, and even though I weigh more than she does, it gave me a smidgen of confidence) and they were both shocked by what I weigh. Apparently the number on the scale isn't an accurate representation of what I look like. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Between seven years of figure skating and seven years of marching band, I've built up some serious muscles. They aren't going away either because they're in my legs and anytime I try to do cardio to lose fat, I end up working those muscles again and they go back to their happy place of being all large and toned. I realize that having muscle is an advantage because I can eat more than someone who weighs my weight and is mostly fat, and I'll burn off what I eat and she won't, but it still sucks. I still don't like what I see, in myself and on the scale. It's like every time I think about what I look like, I get bigger and bigger in my mind, like that kid in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
I'm also freaking out because I'm slowly starting to venture out in the world of dating again. I've never been this fat and found a boyfriend. I've never even been close. I always gain weight when I date someone, so if this is my starting point... eek! I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but I did reactivate my profile on OkCupid. Mostly it's been fruitless. Either the guys are creepy or not interested. But there have been a couple who I wouldn't mind dating. I just feel so ashamed of myself because even though I accurately represent myself in my pictures (they're all from the last year) and I haven't changed weight now in a year, I kind of wonder if these guys are really looking at my pictures. I mean, if I was a guy and I had to choose between a girl who looked like me, and basically anyone else, I'd probably go with the someone else, with a few exceptions. I'm starting to get to that dangerous point with a guy where we should probably meet in person, but I'm absolutely terrified to. He seems so nice and he's musical, and smart, and all-around amazing, but he's also really skinny. I bet you anything that if we do ever meet in person, it'll be the last time. And that's really unfortunate. I just wish I could lose 20 pounds in a week and not die. That would seriously solve my problem right now. The fact is, I don't know how to lose weight without doing damage to myself. I've tried everything I can think of. I've done Weight Watchers (twice! Jennifer Hudson lies... the most weight I lost on it was 6 pounds.) and I've been on Sparkpeople for ages. I've tried doing more cardio, eating less dairy, cutting out all desserts, and of course my personal favorite: the Diet Coke and crackers diet. I'm joking about that last one. Kind of. I've starting drinking water like a fish. I average around 72 ounces a day, not counting water absorbed in other drinks and food. It's doing nice things for my skin, but it doesn't fill me up. That's another lie I've been told.
So if you're a nice person, please help me. I'm out of ideas and I can't take looking like this much longer.
~ Christine
cant elp you on the diet front because lord knows i suck at it lol, but i will tell you not to worry so much about meeting guys in person. one o fmy best army wife friends met her husband online, and when they met in person for the first time they pretty much fell head over heels in love. he is a stick (seriously this guy is so skinny lol) and she is hovering close to the 300-lb range. not all guys are completely shallow :) and this is going to sound completely cliche and cheesy and motherly, but if any guy writes you off just because of the way you look without getting to know you first, you are SO much better off without him in your life <3 i love you bestie!! <3
ReplyDeleteChristine,
ReplyDeleteYou know I love ya no matter what; no matter what you weigh, what you eat, what you look like. You are a beautiful person inside and out. You have an AMAZING self-confidence and sass about you, something I've always envied a bit :-). You have ALWAYS been nice to me and I love that you throw your opinion in when I ask for it (especially on my blogs and Twitter :))
For you to want to change yourself is a HUGE step. For you to not only want change, but to work for it is an even BIGGER step. For you to want change, work for it, and KEEP working at it is AMAZING.
On a personal level, the hardest thing for me to drop is carbs of any kind. I am a total aquaholic and drink 32-100+ oz of water daily (Btw, with the water, you have to divide your current weight in half and that's how many oz of water you should be downing. For me, it's about 100oz a day...yay 3.5 Nalgenes). I try to eat spicy things. I try to eat salads without dressing (one: because it's healthy and two: because dressing, for me, takes away from the veggies I pile on). But, it is HARD. I'm addicted to Hot Head and Chipotle. I like Taco Bell. I crave Starbucks and Boston Stoker. I love Potbelly's and Jimmy John's. I scarf pasta like a dying Italian. I like to go out and drink at bars with friends. I agree with you; it is SO hard.
That being said, again, the fact that you have changed/still want to change is a HUGE deal. That's a huge and awesome step. You don't want to be stick thin and model gorgeous; you want to be healthy and do it the right way, which is SO COOL. That is SUCH a great thing :-)
I feel you on the muscles, by the way. I have the same problem with my leg muscles. I like having them and working the out, but sometimes, I look at my thighs and say "Frick, why are you tree trunks?!"...but then I think, "Holy crap...I have MUSCLES!" How cool is that? :-)
Again, I think you are so amazing and wonderful. ANY guy would be lucky to have you; as a friend, as a girlfriend, as a wife. You have a beautiful soul and a wonderful heart. Don't ever get yourself down about your weight. Any guy who would just look at your outer beauty and JUDGE you, not even CONSIDER you, is a shallow, sad person. You are wonderful. Never forget that :-)
Awwww! *group hugs* You guys are awesome. I love that when I have moments of weakness (like this entire entry) you are there for me 100%. Obviously, I have some things I struggle with, but I'm glad you guys love me for me. :D
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